I Had No Idea How Hard This Would Be

By the time Will actually retired he had been injured for almost 4 years.  I thought I had a pretty good idea of how life would be.  We had good times, we had times so dark that I couldn't see the end of my nose but we seemed to deal with it fairly well.  That was 3,000 miles away from our reality.

Moving home has really highlighted Will's limitations.  Gone are the days that the four of us could hide away in our home sheltered from the world.  Now we have family obligations, work obligations, restless children and countless other things that need our attention on the other side of our front door.  The exposed side, where everyone can see you, where you can see everyone seeing you.  It's scary out there.

We have tried to be "normal" as much as possible, when that hasn't worked we tried to be our normal but the sad fact is that's not really working either.  I've mentioned it a few times on twitter, Will has had to pull out of plans that we've made.  I am running a charity run with The Red Sox Foundation to help raise money and awareness for TBI/PTSD called the Run To Home Base (please donate here is you can!) I was so excited and proud that he and the girls would be there to watch me cross home plate at Fenway Park at the end of the race but he wont be there.  The anxiety of being alone with the girls in public is just too much.  The thought of people looking at him and feeling sorry for him because of his injuries was just too much.  I understand this, I know he would be there if he could but he just can't.  It hurts my pride that he wont be there but it kills my heart that he can't be.  Being there or not is not a gauge on how much he loves me or how our marriage is.

In March we bought tickets to four Red Sox games, I was pretty excited since we used to go to the games all the time in Washington.  It was after a Sox game here in Boston in 2005 that he first told me that he loved me.  We went to our first game last month and it was nothing short of a disaster.  We had to drive into the city and pay $60 to park - in the past we would have take the train in but you can't put a guy with PTSD on the Green Line after a Sox game.

It was freezing that day and he is unable to regulate his body temp since his injury (we didn't know how bad this issue was until we got home - it was never an issue in the Arizona heat) and he was freezing for the 3 days following the game.  He was too anxious to enjoy the game, he couldn't even talk to me.  Now I am going to be taking friends to the remaining games.

He went to the pet store by himself, he was procrastinating leaving the house so I asked him what the problem was, he told me he was afraid to go alone.  The thought of having to talk to people paralyzed him with fear.  He was afraid to go buy fish, the man who ran into a bunker with a detonated explosive to retrieve the body of a working dog because you don't leave a fallen Ranger was afraid to talk to a 17 year old girl about buying fish.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Life is certainly different since retiring.  I knew it would be hard, I even knew it would be harder but I didn't know it would be this much harder.  I am scared that I am getting lost in it all.  Other than my job it's all about him - everything.  I miss me.

Hmmm Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, I am excited for the girls - TC seemed so excited for all the things she wants to do for me tomorrow.  When Will explained that tomorrow is a special day for all moms TC decided that I need an egg hunt, a costume and everything else that she loves from all the holidays.  I know she will have fun making sure I have a good day but that isn't what I want to talk about. 

My mom, we haven't spoken since the day after Thanksgiving.  That is when she was so hurtful and finally broke my heart past any point of repair. 

Since that day Christmas, Easter, Addie's and TC's birthdays have passed without so much as a card from her for them.  I don't care that she hasn't reached out to me, honestly I don't think there is any hope at all there but the fact that the girls have been cut out...well I guess I should be thankful, they wont have to deal with her let downs.

When people ask about my mom and I mention our falling out (putting it lightly) people seem awfully judgmental.  Cutting her from my life isn't something I took lightly.  I've lost a parent - I don't take that relationship for granted.  I know life is short and you can't get time back.  I know all of this so when someone learns that my mom is out of my life I get the look - that one look that implies that I don't know any of those things.

On mother's day I will be glad that I have a stepmother who has loved me.  I will be blessed that I get to be the mom to two of the best kids ever.  I will try to only think of the few happy memories that haven't been tainted by my mother's poor choices.  But my mom isn't in my life.  I am fine with it.  She has lost out on being a part of my daughters' lives. 

She has set an example for me, really.  She is everything I hope I never become.  If I ever get to the point where my kids have fallen to the ground in tears over something I have said to them, if they feel like their guts have been ripped from their bodies, if they question why they have ever trusted me with anything I hope that the devil just takes me at that exact moment.  I can't imagine any hell worse than knowing that I have cause my kids even a fraction of that kind of pain.

I now know that when someone tells me that they have cut a parent from their life I will no longer judge their decision.  I wont try to put myself in their shoes.  I will offer a listening ear and a loving hug, this is not something that is ever done lightly.    

Me As A Working Mom

I started looking for work as soon as I moved home, it seemed impossible.  All I wanted was something to help pay the bills and allow for a little flexibility - you know, in case Will ever gets seen by the VA.  I applied all over the place but nothing.  I went on an interview at one well known insurance company (quack quack) but I wasn't impressed with the pay structure or the way they go about getting business.  I was actually told I would do well at auto body shops and places like that if I wore tight skirts and flirted!  Thanks but no.

When another insurance company came a calling I was very against the idea, paying for a class, paying for my license, commission only...it would be a gamble.  Will convinced me it was time to invest in myself again.  I liked the company, the lead structure the pay structure, it seemed like it could work as long as I put in the work.  I did and got my license in February. 

I sell life insurance, a really good product.  I feel good about what I do, when I leave a home I know that they family I just signed up has done something amazing for those they will leave behind someday.  And if a family doesn't buy for whatever reason I leave knowing that they now know more about life insurance and hopefully in the future they will be sure their family is protected.  I even set myself up with a really nice policy, unfortunatly Will is uninsurable - I wish I had thought about that possibility when I thought the army insuance would be good enough - you know were were going to be lifers.

I am doing pretty well for myself, I was just promoted to a supervising agent and will soon be leading my own team of new hires.  It's very exciting and surprising, I was the "I'll NEVER do sales" girl and now I am handing out my card everywhere I go.  It feels good to be financially contributing to the family again, I haven't heard "with whos money" in a very long time.

The hours are taking some getting used to, I meet with families so I don't start my appointments unit 3 in the afternoon, my last can be as late as 9PM.  I have appointments Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday nights and Saturday mornings.  On Monday and Thursday I am in the office making phone calls and in meetings from 12-9.  I also work some Sundays, in fact I have to go to an appointment in a few hours today.  Working at night means I get to spend a lot of time with the girls since they aren't in school.  I think we are going to forgo preK for TC because it would mean we never see each other.  I love that I get so much time with them as a working mom but it also means I am mom from 6AM-3PM then I start my working day.  When I get home I am too tired to really have any me time at all.  It's hard but I know how lucky I am to get my mornings so I try not to complain.

Will has been the stay at home dad thing and it's going pretty well.  I 'm pretty sure he now gets everything I was trying to say for all those years that I was home with kids.  It is really hard for me to let go of control, how I want things done with them but it's not my job anymore. 

Since I've started working I haven't had time to get to the gym, I haven't gone in weeks and I HATE it.  Will really guilts me every time I want to take an hour to get there.  I need to get over that guilty feeling, it does the girls a lot of good to see me taking time to better myself and stay healthy.

But that's pretty much what I've been up to.  Selling policies and changing diapers.