Thanks for Weighing In, Not Really!

About a month ago...I think a few pounds heavier than right now

I know I haven't posted much about fitness these days, the truth is I hardly have time to work out and when I do I am made to feel guilty about taking the time for myself...but that is a different issue.  I am trying to run when I can, so I am still getting myself moving several times a week and burning off the nervous energy I keep pent up but also burning calories.

I have no idea how many calories I eat in a day but between the bread, almonds, and snacks....lots of snacks it has to be a lot!  If I want fries, I have fries, if I want pizza I will have pizza.  I don't deprive myself, I promise.  The issue is that I am still losing weight.  I think saying 120 may even be generous at this point.  I'm 5'7".  I WANT to gain some muscle weight but I haven't had to time to really put into it, and at this rate I can't imagine how much I will have to eat to make that happen.  The point is that I am not happy with my body.

When is anyone ever totally happy with their body?  Or if they are when do they feel comfortable admitting it?  The go to answer to "Have you lost weight?" is "I still have X pounds to go!" or "now to tone up".  No one ever seems happy with where they are.  All we can do is encourage each other to feel happy with how beautiful they really are at that moment.

We had a late birthday party for TC yesterday and as soon as she got me alone my stepmother told me that I am too skinny and kind of accused me of being sick.  I don't know if she meant physically ill or something mental with everything I'm dealing with or both.  She may have been implying she thinks I'm anorexic (had she seen my sister and me dipping potato chips into frosting an hour earlier she wouldn't have had to worry about that).

My loose top did not do the job I intended it to do, the jeans are loose because I refuse to buy size 0, it just isn't me.

 I was left feeling like shit, I know I am too skinny (for what I want to be, not that everyone at 5'7" 120ish is too skinny) and I am unhappy with how I look but for the rest of the day I was extra aware of it, feeling like people were watching everything I put in my mouth.  I feel like it was out of concern but I don't think that I would have had to same lecture if I had gained a bunch of weight, people know that is hurtful, why can't they see it's hurtful on the other end of the spectrum too? 

This was a bit startling, I had no idea that my bones were quite that obvious.