I Look Like Monday?

This morning the Cintas guy who swaps our out dirty rugs and warehouse uniforms for clean ones saw me at my desk and proclaimed  “Looks like you’re having a Monday!”.  Ouch.  I admit, my hair isn’t done, I pulled it up and hoped to hide the bit of conditioner I left in there from Sunday morning’s deep conditioning.  My sweater is a little old but not the dingiest thing I have seen in the office today.   I have bags under my eyes as I haven’t been able to sleep well this past week, sleeping next to someone with a TBI can be a bit of a challenge.  I did put on makeup and even curled my eyelashes in an attempt to look put together but apparently it failed. 

I had every intention of washing and blowing out my hair this morning.  I was down stairs and heading for the shower when a little voice came up behind me.  This little voice was that of my very proud 3 year old who does things on her own schedule.  She woke up dry and ready to use the potty.  I was beyond happy for her, I knew she could do it but she just needed to confidence to try.  So instead of getting in the shower and readying myself for the day I made French toast per the request of the little girl in dry Olaf undies. 

I wasn’t home the first time she went #2 in the potty.  I miss all the mid-morning dace offs (a tradition I started, for the record).  I am not the keeper of the peanut butter at lunch time but I was the one to hug her and celebrate with her on her fist successful attempt of a diaperless night.  If that kid wanted French toast you bet your ass she was getting it and maybe that left me with no time to be the dressed up version of myself that I usually am at work but I don’t care.  You may think I look like a Monday but I feel like a Friday afternoon.  It was a big morning at our house and I was there to celebrate. 

They Want to Talk About Death So We'll Talk About Death

The past few days the girls have been asking me about death.

Yikes. 

We’ve talked about it before but no one they are close to has died, which isn’t a surprise since they are 5 & 3.  They understand that when your heart stops beating you die (hey they asked and that is all I could say on the spot!).  They also know that the people you love are sad.  From what they’ve seen in Disney movies it looks like you’re sleeping and they know you don’t come back. 

They know my dad is dead and in heaven.  They know good people go to heaven with Jesus.  We haven’t talked about what happens to bad people.  They know we can’t go visit heaven, they asked.  That one almost broke my heart – they wanted me to see my dad. 

Addie declared yesterday that she is afraid to die and she doesn’t want to.  TC would like to know exactly when she is going to die.  I was not at all prepared for this.  I told them that death is a part of life and everyone who has ever been alive will someday die but we don’t have any idea when that will be and hopefully we won’t have to worry about it for a long long time.

I made sure not to make any promises.  We have no idea what the future will bring.  I can’t promise that I will be here tomorrow.  As much as I wish I had the power to keep them both alive and well for the next century there is only so much I can do.  I didn’t promise that we will all be alive for any certain amount of time.  Big Hero Six seems to be the movie that has really brought this topic up, I think it’s an important conversation to have with young kids as life is unpredictable but it’s not easy.

I talked about it before but I have a very real fear that I will die young leaving my girls motherless.  I wish I could push these thoughts away but they linger.  It’s not that I live my life in fear, I will drive on the highway, visit big cities, swim in the ocean…but I fear that something will take me from them.  Some days the fear is so great that it literally takes my breath away.  Obviously I don’t share this fear with the girls, we talk about death when necessary (when they have questions, when they ask about someone who died and such) but we don’t go out of our way. 

I didn’t think 20 years of my life was a short time when my dad died.  I was lucky to have him for 20 years but now as I am getting older I am realizing that 20 years was nothing, hell he’s already been gone for 14 years.  He didn’t know my husband, my kids, me as a grown up…I want way more than 20 years with my girls.  I have big plans!  I don’t know why I have these fears but I do.  I sincerely hope that when I talk about death with the girls they don’t hear my fear.  I hope I can be as honest with them as they need.  I hope that they can go many more years without truly knowing the pain that comes with losing someone they love.

What do you say when your kids start asking questions about death that you just can’t answer?

Celebrating All Over the Place

Christmas is a busy time in most homes but in ours it’s a nonstop party.  Not really but there is never a shortage of things to celebrate.

On December 17^th Addie turned 3!  She is really coming into her own too which is both amazing and annoying.  It is fun to be a fly on the wall with her and TC, TC is quickly learning that Addie isn’t the pushover little sister that she has been the past three years.  In the past TC could trade Addie all the toys in the playroom for a ball of lint.  Addie didn’t care that she got screwed she just knew that her sister gave her such a beautiful, perfect, amazing ball of lint!  TC still tries with the ridiculous trades but now Addie is smart enough to say no (but maybe not always smart enough not to hit her sister over the head with whatever toy was wanted – it’s a work in progress).  As a three year old I think she will do well, I really think this will be a great year for her, not for any reason in particular but having been observing her closely over the last three years I can see that she’s ready to pounce…on what I don’t know but I am sure she will do it with loads of giggles and possibly a finger in her nose.

The just out of bed birthday strut.

Next came Christmas and that was wonderful.  Christmas Eve at the in-laws…I could do without that but you do what you have to do I suppose but it was all worth for 6AM on Christmas morning.  Sitting on the floor watching the two most beautiful girls squeal with delight over a new pack of undies and they totally lose their minds when they biggest Christmas wishes were granted.   

Notice how TC is digging in and Addie is admiring the gift?

 As TC opened her Hobbit Lego set she kept saying “I told you I would get it Mom, I knew I would get it…it has Smaug, I told you! I got it!”   

And Addie trembling as she slowly opened a doll house almost as big as herself; it was enough to melt my cold cold heart.

On December 26^th Will and I celebrated 9 years of marriage.  We celebrated by not doing anything at all, it was perfect.  The morning after he came down from bed and gave me a high five, “9 years and one day, we did it.” And that was about it.  I can’t help but think about where we were a year ago, I can’t believe we were able to pull ourselves out of a pit so deep that we couldn’t see daylight.  While things aren't always perfect and he’s still not back to his old self I can say with confidence that we are happy.  If I may quote Sex and the City (and I may because it’s my blog) “every day, not all day every day but every day” we are happy every day. 

This week we will usher in a New Year, I am so excited to see what is in store for us in 2015.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, I truly do and I want to thank you again for all of your support these last few years, here and on twitter and all over.  Even when I was feeling so utterly alone I knew I wasn’t and that got me through so much.  Thank you.

CTL+ALT+DEL

Today we really needed a reboot after dealing with the VA yesterday, it just so happened that I had plans to take the girls apple picking with my sister and nephew so Will would have some time alone.  It was perfect timing really.  I have been wanting to take the kids apple picking since the moment I found out I was going to be a mom!  Growing up in New England it wasn't really fall without a trip to the orchard. 

We almost canceled today because it was supposed to rain but the rain held off and we had a great day.  TC woke up at 6AM asking if it was time to go to the farm yet - she was beyond excited.  We had a really great day, I took the girls to Target at 8AM because I just couldn't handle the thought of them apple picking without the proper fashionable boots!  We got home with just enough time to change and head out the door to meet my sister.  It was cool and overcast and kind of the perfect day for apple picking.  I couldn't have imagined a better mother daughters day.

Will got a few hours at home alone which is a Godsend when you spend the days listening to little girls scream all week. 

It was perfect.  Tomorrow starts a new week, here's hoping it can be smooth and productive.

Another Generation at Fenway

 18 years ago my father took me to Fenway Park for my first Red Sox game.  I remember getting lost all over the city, my dad had the worst sense of direction in the history of men to ever roam the earth and when combined with the nonsensical way in which Boston is mapped out we didn’t stand a chance.  Luckily there was a rain delay and we didn’t miss much of the game – in fact we were so late that the parking lot attendant put us right in front just outside of the gates.  I remember that we lost that game but that didn't matter. 

I don’t remember the score or even who we played but I do remember the important things.  I remember walking up the ramp and seeing a sea of green grass.  I remember my dad finding our seats after grabbing a Fenway Frank.  I remember the sounds of the park and the smell of the food.  I remember that I had a night with just my dad at a place he loved to visit with his dad.  With 5 teenagers in one house it wasn’t often I had much one on one time but a week after the shocking realization that I had never been to Fenway my dad took me.  I don’t think a 16 year old was ever so happy to spend an evening with her father.

On Sunday afternoon I took TC to her first game at Fenway Park.  At four years old she didn’t have the same appreciation for the game as I did but I never expected that from her.  She loved to train ride into the city, she spent the entire time looking out the window and she didn’t even notice that we were packed in there like sardines.  She was full of questions about the stops and the animals that may live in the tunnels.  She was so excited to eat a snack while riding the train.  She was amazed by the tall buildings and wanted to go in and explore each one.

 

When we got to the park first order of business was to get her a t-shirt at the Yawkey Way Store, she wanted one with the number 12 on the back but settled for a giant “B”.  When we finally made it into the actual park all she wanted was ice cream so we grabbed some and then made our way to our seats.  She didn’t understand why we couldn’t just sit wherever we wanted but after climbing the stairs and finding our row she was finally able to turn around and take it all in.  I don’t know just how she felt when she saw what was going on around her but her face was perfect.  It looked like she was in awe.

There were a few tense moments, she didn’t understand why she wasn’t given a uniform and allowed to take her turn swinging the bat.  She was more than pissed about that even though I told her several times on the way there that we were not going to play.  The game was a total blowout and not in the Red Sox's favor so the energy that I was hoping would keep her entertained just wasn’t there and we only last 3.5 innings but that was just enough for her.  She got to clap, and dance and yell “go team, go!”.  We walked a few blocks to Kenmore Station and waited for the Green Line to take us back to our car.  She was excited to get back on the train and as we waited she leaned over to me and said “this was the best day I ever had.”  And that, my friends, is what it is all about.

In Dreams

Addie was just crying in her sleep, I went in to calm her before she actually woke up.  She was quickly back in dreamland while I stared at her little face.

When my girls are sleeping their faces transform to the faces of those newborn babies I would spend hours staring at years ago.

A sleeping TC at two months.

A two week old Addie.

I pray that it some of that crazy mother voodoo craziness that makes this happen.  I pray that even when they are teenagers and I catch them in a deep sleep that all I can see are these squishy faces dreaming the dreams that know no limits.

They Have A Mind Of Their Own

I started going to a trainer at my gym a few weeks ago, it wasn't too long before I realized he had a hard time looking me in the eye while we were talking.  He looked just over my head or off to the side.  Then I looked in the mirror to do some overhead presses and was reminded why - my damn nipples!  After nursing for over 2 years they are almost always alert and if they aren't the slightest breeze wakes them up.

So what the hell?

I am not embarrassed by them, I really don't think I need to be.  I don't see this as a reason to go out and buy padded sports bras to hide them - those things are hot!  It is just funny when the gym is kind of full and I know people notice, I've gotten dirty looks from other woman.  No, I am not here to put myself on display and try to take your man honey, calm down.  I have seen an 18 year old boy blush - that was a little weird.

So that is my little fun gym story for you.  So the next time you see someone ready to cut ice at the gym cut her a break odds are that she has no idea and hopefully, just like me, she doesn't really care anyway.

Clicking Away

Over the weekend I was out playing with the girls, we were painting the sidewalk, using the plastic baseball tee, learning hopscotch, running around and just really enjoying the day.  Of course I was snapping away in my camera making sure to capture as many of their little smiles as I could.  It has always broken my heart that there aren't many pictures of me and the girls, I've asked Will to take some but he doesn't see a need to many pictures.  When my dad died it was devastating to realize that he was always behind the camera and pictures with him were few and far between.  This is why I've tried to be in as many pictures with them as possible, even when I felt 100% uncamera-ready (it's a word, I promise).

This weekend I remembered the best camera accessory I've even purchased, my remote!

Seriously, I picked this thing up from Amazon for around $5, I used it a little last year but it kind of just hung out in my camera bag forgotten for the past year.  First I took some posed shots with the girls because I don't remember when we last did that in a nonselfie way.

They didn't all work out...

But I did capture one that is just perfect...

...from TC smirk to Addie's bord messy face - it captures my girls' personalities at this moment.  (And this is why I will be using this picture for pretty much everything all summer.)

I set my camera up in a few places, set it on a 2 second delay and played as normal.

Sure I felt a little silly but in the years to come I know I wont be thinking about how silly I felt doing this I will just be glad to have some pictures on my little girl so excited about painting that she kept begging me to get her more paint.

I know there are so many reasons not to be in the picture, from just being the one always behind the camera to not feeling comfortable at this weight/in this outfit/while my hair was a mess/no makeup/whatever the reason but I am encouraging you to turn that camera around.  I know it is because I lost my dad when I was 20 that I am so sensitive to this, I was robbed the opportunity to make up for lost time with him.  Our time on earth is not guaranteed, I want my girls to have everyday memories to look back on whenever my number is called. 

Wordless Wednesday

When Mom Is NOT a Morning Person

My kids are full of spunk and charisma from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep.  Sounds fun doesn't it, constant entertainment and a house full of gleeful giggles and shrieks of joy?  For the most part it's great but around the breakfast table before 7AM (sometimes before 6) it makes me want to pull my hair out on strand at a time. 

I don't do well with mornings.  I never have but have always tried.  Growing up there were 7 of us in one house with one bathroom, as a blended family all my siblings and I were teenagers at the same time and for one year we were all in high school together.  I had to be up for my 5:40 shower time, missing it meant missing a shower so I did it, everyday.  That did nothing to prepare me for a lifetime of early wake ups.  Somethings can not be taught, some people are just not morning people.

TC was great, sleeping until 7 or 8AM then waking up quietly and all smiles, happy to eat whatever I put in front of her (obviously homemade and organic because she was my first and I was striving to be mom of the year).  We giggled and chatted as we ate and I cleaned up the kitchen.  It was my favorite time of day. 

Addie, oh my little Addie - she has declared war on sleep.  She is up during the night and no matter what time we put her to sleep she is up bright and early.  Recently it has been before 5, in our last house when she did this I would just let her stay in her room but now that she and TC are sharing if I do that I will have 2 kids up, not just one.  So I get up...half a sleep and start the day.  It wouldn't be that bad if I had the ability to fall asleep early but I do not.  When she wakes up she's a screamer, she screams when she's happy, she screams when she's pissed, she's screams when her sister eggs her on (which is almost all the time).

I spend most of breakfast telling them to stop screaming and to eat, over and over and over again.  Will is sleeping because he never comes to bed before 2, I don't want them to wake him up because than he will spend the day sleeping on the couch.  So they scream, literally at the top of their lungs while I tell them to stop, trying to down my coffee as fast as possible.  Each moment what little  patience I have is chipped away at until I start to yell.  Almost every day.  I have tried everything, I don't want to start my day yelling but I can't start my day with them screaming and fighting, and they have to eat.  If they would just sleep a until a reasonable time I would be fine.  Wake me up at 7 and I am a happy girl but a minute before and it takes hours to recover. 

I wrestle with this everyday.  I do not want to be the mom who yells but when it's the only thing that works you stick to it.  They are over any conflict by the time the Nutella jar is returned back to the pantry but I am still wired and shaken from the breakfast battle for most of the morning.  I really hope this phase is over soon, I hate that I dread getting my kids out of bed every morning.