My First Race Was a Great One - Run to Home Base

6AM train selfie

Yesterday I got myself out of bed before 5AM, laced up my sneakers, drove 45 minutes to the train where my sister was waiting (after her early wake up and 60 minute drive) rode the Green Line into Fenway for 30 minutes and then ran a 5.66 mile race.

Last year at this time I couldn't even run one mile.

When I moved home one of the things I was the most excited about was being able to participate in the Run To Home Base it has everything I am passionate about, TBI/PTSD research, running, and the Red Sox.  I was very intimidated by the commitment to raise $750 but I decided to take the leap and signed up.  I ended the day yesterday totaling $2005!  If you want to donate you still can here.  The money raised goes to the Home Base Program which does great things for those with TBI/PTSD and their families.  I actually going to call this week to see about getting some help for myself since it seems impossible to get Will to agree to go.

During the open ceremony I was thumbing through facebook and twitter and saw that Will had shared an article about the race that featured me.  The night before he said he didn't need to read it because he wasn't going to learn anything new.  That really broke my heart (and my spirit) so just seeing that he not only read it but shared it on facebook and twitter made me ugly cry and really pumped me up for the run.  He seemed to be sharing a lot of stuff about the race and the day - maybe next year he will come.

As for the actual running part, well I didn't train.  I have sucked about running, I come up with every possible excuse.  Work really was an issue but also leaving the house to run after/before working all day seemed unfair to Will.  When I did get out there it seemed so daunting, I was psych myself out thinking about the 5+ miles that I would run 1.5 and have to walk.  I was stressed.  I got out there on Saturday with a goal of 60 minutes, had I been paying attention to my total time I could have done it easily but I wasn't so I missed it by .02 seconds!  Oh well, next year.

My sister covering up Will's phone number, so if I ever get run over while running they can call him.

I mentioned before that Will wouldn't be coming with me so my sister was kind enough to join me so I wouldn't be all alone.  While I was running she helped pack care packages to send overseas and learned more about the home base program, even though she has told me several times before that she has no interest in being a runner she is VERY excited about running with me next year!

Post run selfie

This was, for me, the perfect first real race.  Now for the rest of the photos.

A few World Series trophies - This one's for you Dad!

Some dude getting a little too close than necessary at the start - I had no idea this even happened until I saw the pictures.

Just standing where the greats have stood, NBD.

The One When They Wont Let Me Quit

I am not one who gives up easily, I think I have made that pretty clear in my life in almost everything I do.  Well I was (am, maybe?) so ready to quit my job.  Don't get me wrong I still love helping people and making sure everyone understands life insurance and why it's necessary but it's everything else that has been getting to me.

I haven't been getting the appointments I need, I make the phone calls, probably more calls than anyone on my team.  I ask for the referrals - I do what I am supposed to do but for some reason it just hasn't been working and the appointments I do get have been crap.  (No bank account, no shows...whatever).  I've been wondering if it is worth the late nights up worrying, the seemingly aimless driving around.  And after some very irresponsible and rude comments made at the office I was just done, so done.

I talked it out with Will, I talked it out with my manager and I had decided to go but then I talked to the agency owners.  They know I am not a quitter and they could see the stress I am under both at work and at home, basically they told me I can't quit.  It's nice to have someone believe in you like that.  I guess it's time to give it the old college try...again.

Hopefully the passion will return, they appointments will work themselves out and more families will be protected.  Nothing is more frustrating than leaving the kids to go off to work with nothing to show for it, literally nothing because I am 100% commission.

Wish me luck.  (And if any of you have life insurance questions please feel free to ask me, I promise to answer them and not try to sell you!)

They Have A Mind Of Their Own

I started going to a trainer at my gym a few weeks ago, it wasn't too long before I realized he had a hard time looking me in the eye while we were talking.  He looked just over my head or off to the side.  Then I looked in the mirror to do some overhead presses and was reminded why - my damn nipples!  After nursing for over 2 years they are almost always alert and if they aren't the slightest breeze wakes them up.

So what the hell?

I am not embarrassed by them, I really don't think I need to be.  I don't see this as a reason to go out and buy padded sports bras to hide them - those things are hot!  It is just funny when the gym is kind of full and I know people notice, I've gotten dirty looks from other woman.  No, I am not here to put myself on display and try to take your man honey, calm down.  I have seen an 18 year old boy blush - that was a little weird.

So that is my little fun gym story for you.  So the next time you see someone ready to cut ice at the gym cut her a break odds are that she has no idea and hopefully, just like me, she doesn't really care anyway.

Clicking Away

Over the weekend I was out playing with the girls, we were painting the sidewalk, using the plastic baseball tee, learning hopscotch, running around and just really enjoying the day.  Of course I was snapping away in my camera making sure to capture as many of their little smiles as I could.  It has always broken my heart that there aren't many pictures of me and the girls, I've asked Will to take some but he doesn't see a need to many pictures.  When my dad died it was devastating to realize that he was always behind the camera and pictures with him were few and far between.  This is why I've tried to be in as many pictures with them as possible, even when I felt 100% uncamera-ready (it's a word, I promise).

This weekend I remembered the best camera accessory I've even purchased, my remote!

Seriously, I picked this thing up from Amazon for around $5, I used it a little last year but it kind of just hung out in my camera bag forgotten for the past year.  First I took some posed shots with the girls because I don't remember when we last did that in a nonselfie way.

They didn't all work out...

But I did capture one that is just perfect...

...from TC smirk to Addie's bord messy face - it captures my girls' personalities at this moment.  (And this is why I will be using this picture for pretty much everything all summer.)

I set my camera up in a few places, set it on a 2 second delay and played as normal.

Sure I felt a little silly but in the years to come I know I wont be thinking about how silly I felt doing this I will just be glad to have some pictures on my little girl so excited about painting that she kept begging me to get her more paint.

I know there are so many reasons not to be in the picture, from just being the one always behind the camera to not feeling comfortable at this weight/in this outfit/while my hair was a mess/no makeup/whatever the reason but I am encouraging you to turn that camera around.  I know it is because I lost my dad when I was 20 that I am so sensitive to this, I was robbed the opportunity to make up for lost time with him.  Our time on earth is not guaranteed, I want my girls to have everyday memories to look back on whenever my number is called. 

House Arrest

I've talked about it in the past but one of the hardest parts of Will's post TBI life is the social anxiety.  Don't get me wrong, before he was injured he would have rather sat at home than go anywhere but he could go.  Now just the thought of having to interact with other people makes him physically ill.  So we are home, always home.

I know I can go out on my own but I can't really make plans because my job is pretty last minute most weeks and because I never know what kind of a day Will will be having.  When I do find myself having a free night or some time he always says "go out, do something for yourself" or "call your friends, go out".  It doesn't quite work like that.  I've pretty much neglected most of my friends since I got home - I haven't done it because I don't care or I don't want to see them, I miss them terribly, it just happened.  When I am not working and the girls are awake Will gives me a guilt trip if I am not home with them and I work most nights.  Almost all my friends have kids, just because I have a free night it doesn't mean everyone else (you know, people I've failed to fit in my calendar up until now) will drop everything.

This would all be solved with one thing, I know what you're thinking - PLAN AHEAD!  Yup, that seems to solve a lot of problems, all but one.  My husband.  He acts like a lost puppy when I make plans without him.  He doesn't mean it but he does it.  First, I am always sure to invite him along - that would be ideal but he never wants to come.  So I have a choice, go without him and feel like shit or just stay home.  To avoid this I've stopped making plans, stopped committing to things.  It sucks, when I am not on work release I feel like I am on house arrest.  I don't really know a way around this.

As hard as it is for me the people who are really losing out are the girls.  I am trying to just take them and do our thing as much as possible but that has it's downfall too.  I took the the girls to the beach and they had a blast in the sand and even ventured into the ocean.  Will was pretty bummed to miss that.  A week later I took them to swim in my sister's pool which the both loved and had a blast, I don't think he's even looked at the pictures.  My going it without him seems to make him worse.

This should be daddy, not Uncle Brian.

 I am really struggling with this.  I have never thought I would be living like this.  I don't want to live like this.

A Step Down Isn't Always a Step Back

I was promoted at work not to long ago and as soon as I started my new position I saw the negative impact it was having on my family.  Being away from the girls for days at a time was one thing but they are kids and they are resilient.  Leaving Will with the kids for days at a time was a different story.  He didn't do well, at all.

I tried working from home but that didn't help, I was home but was still unavailable.  It was really hard to hear what was going on outside of my door and not be able to do anything about it.  I didn't do well, at all.

I decided that the best thing for my career and my family is to just focus on one thing.  I am a good agent, I know a lot about life insurance and can explain it and help families decide what is best for them.  I can do that in my sleep.  When adding the need to train and hire and all sorts of other crap while taking care of 2 young kids, a home and a husband who doesn't believe he really needs taking care of was very hard.  I had two choices, keep adding to my plate and fail at everything or decide what is really important to me.

My family wins that argument every time.

I am no longer in management.  I get to keep my higher contract level and focus on growing my own business as a personal producer.  Everyone at work has been so supportive, I was so afraid when rejoining the workforce that I would be forever explaining myself and trying to force people to understand the challenges my family faces but that's not the case.  I found a great place that doesn't need to understand, they see all that I do and that's enough.

In a few years when the girls are in school I can reevaluate - if I want to make changes that is always an option.  I can't tell you how amazing it feels to have at least one outlet in my life where I get to put myself first.       

I Had No Idea How Hard This Would Be

By the time Will actually retired he had been injured for almost 4 years.  I thought I had a pretty good idea of how life would be.  We had good times, we had times so dark that I couldn't see the end of my nose but we seemed to deal with it fairly well.  That was 3,000 miles away from our reality.

Moving home has really highlighted Will's limitations.  Gone are the days that the four of us could hide away in our home sheltered from the world.  Now we have family obligations, work obligations, restless children and countless other things that need our attention on the other side of our front door.  The exposed side, where everyone can see you, where you can see everyone seeing you.  It's scary out there.

We have tried to be "normal" as much as possible, when that hasn't worked we tried to be our normal but the sad fact is that's not really working either.  I've mentioned it a few times on twitter, Will has had to pull out of plans that we've made.  I am running a charity run with The Red Sox Foundation to help raise money and awareness for TBI/PTSD called the Run To Home Base (please donate here is you can!) I was so excited and proud that he and the girls would be there to watch me cross home plate at Fenway Park at the end of the race but he wont be there.  The anxiety of being alone with the girls in public is just too much.  The thought of people looking at him and feeling sorry for him because of his injuries was just too much.  I understand this, I know he would be there if he could but he just can't.  It hurts my pride that he wont be there but it kills my heart that he can't be.  Being there or not is not a gauge on how much he loves me or how our marriage is.

In March we bought tickets to four Red Sox games, I was pretty excited since we used to go to the games all the time in Washington.  It was after a Sox game here in Boston in 2005 that he first told me that he loved me.  We went to our first game last month and it was nothing short of a disaster.  We had to drive into the city and pay $60 to park - in the past we would have take the train in but you can't put a guy with PTSD on the Green Line after a Sox game.

It was freezing that day and he is unable to regulate his body temp since his injury (we didn't know how bad this issue was until we got home - it was never an issue in the Arizona heat) and he was freezing for the 3 days following the game.  He was too anxious to enjoy the game, he couldn't even talk to me.  Now I am going to be taking friends to the remaining games.

He went to the pet store by himself, he was procrastinating leaving the house so I asked him what the problem was, he told me he was afraid to go alone.  The thought of having to talk to people paralyzed him with fear.  He was afraid to go buy fish, the man who ran into a bunker with a detonated explosive to retrieve the body of a working dog because you don't leave a fallen Ranger was afraid to talk to a 17 year old girl about buying fish.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Life is certainly different since retiring.  I knew it would be hard, I even knew it would be harder but I didn't know it would be this much harder.  I am scared that I am getting lost in it all.  Other than my job it's all about him - everything.  I miss me.