Mixing It Up!

Yesterday I did something I have been wanting to do since I started this job last August.  I haven’t done it because I felt it was selfish and unfair of me to even suggest but I finally requested that we give it a try.  I am so glad I did because I think it is the start of something really good for me. 

I went straight from work to the gym.

I know, what’s the big deal?  For me it is a big deal.  I hate being away from home all day and I rush out the door at the tick of 5:00 to get to my family.  I know by the time I roll in at 5:30 Will is spent and ready for some down time and I get that – that was my life for 4.5 years.  I finally asked if he would mind me getting a short workout in after work and he is so focused on my wellbeing he didn’t even bat an eye.  It feels so good to have someone who does everything he can to put me first.  I got to the gym around 5:30, changed out of my heels and hopped on the treadmill (and bonus, Friends is on at 5:30!). 

I got a pretty good run in then stopped at the market next door to grab something for dinner and was home by 6:15.  The girls didn’t even notice the extra time I was gone and when I got home I was actually fun to be around.  The girls were feeding off my post workout high and their normally horrifying pre bedtime behavior gave way to my sweet girls.  If I keep this up I will spend less time with them but the time we do spend together will be much better.  It’s quality of quantity right?

I do have to be careful about this.  Some days are really hard for Will to just function and he’s not always forthcoming about the head days.  It’s so weird the way his TBI sneaks its way into every little bit of our lives.  Bad head days are no joke and I am always on the lookout for signs that he’s hurting, those days he comes first, always.

But bottom line is that I took some time out for myself, to do what I thought to be super selfish but it turned out to be really good for me as a mom.  Here’s hoping this can keep up because I miss running and working out but doing it after 8PM just wasn’t happening. 

They Want to Talk About Death So We'll Talk About Death

The past few days the girls have been asking me about death.

Yikes. 

We’ve talked about it before but no one they are close to has died, which isn’t a surprise since they are 5 & 3.  They understand that when your heart stops beating you die (hey they asked and that is all I could say on the spot!).  They also know that the people you love are sad.  From what they’ve seen in Disney movies it looks like you’re sleeping and they know you don’t come back. 

They know my dad is dead and in heaven.  They know good people go to heaven with Jesus.  We haven’t talked about what happens to bad people.  They know we can’t go visit heaven, they asked.  That one almost broke my heart – they wanted me to see my dad. 

Addie declared yesterday that she is afraid to die and she doesn’t want to.  TC would like to know exactly when she is going to die.  I was not at all prepared for this.  I told them that death is a part of life and everyone who has ever been alive will someday die but we don’t have any idea when that will be and hopefully we won’t have to worry about it for a long long time.

I made sure not to make any promises.  We have no idea what the future will bring.  I can’t promise that I will be here tomorrow.  As much as I wish I had the power to keep them both alive and well for the next century there is only so much I can do.  I didn’t promise that we will all be alive for any certain amount of time.  Big Hero Six seems to be the movie that has really brought this topic up, I think it’s an important conversation to have with young kids as life is unpredictable but it’s not easy.

I talked about it before but I have a very real fear that I will die young leaving my girls motherless.  I wish I could push these thoughts away but they linger.  It’s not that I live my life in fear, I will drive on the highway, visit big cities, swim in the ocean…but I fear that something will take me from them.  Some days the fear is so great that it literally takes my breath away.  Obviously I don’t share this fear with the girls, we talk about death when necessary (when they have questions, when they ask about someone who died and such) but we don’t go out of our way. 

I didn’t think 20 years of my life was a short time when my dad died.  I was lucky to have him for 20 years but now as I am getting older I am realizing that 20 years was nothing, hell he’s already been gone for 14 years.  He didn’t know my husband, my kids, me as a grown up…I want way more than 20 years with my girls.  I have big plans!  I don’t know why I have these fears but I do.  I sincerely hope that when I talk about death with the girls they don’t hear my fear.  I hope I can be as honest with them as they need.  I hope that they can go many more years without truly knowing the pain that comes with losing someone they love.

What do you say when your kids start asking questions about death that you just can’t answer?

I’m Sorry I Keep Us From Things

“I’m sorry I keep us from things.”

Will said this on Saturday night.  I can’t even remember what we were talking about – it wasn’t important.  When I think about this little blog just sitting here collecting dust I often have no idea what to tell you folks, my life is just like yours.  I wake up, shower (most days), feed the kids, go to work, come home, eat, hangout with the kids, bedtime kisses, gym, bed.  Seriously, nothing spectacular.  There are no major daily events that say “hey world, we’re a TBI family!”.  For the most part our little routine has fit in his TBI so well that it just is.

There are some things in our world that are nowhere close to normal but we’ve adapted so well that it seems normal.  On Twitter I’ve talked about The Zac Brown Band playing at Fenway on my birthday – sounds like a perfect date night!  I’m turning 35, I would love nothing more than to celebrate that with my husband in my happy place listening to good music.  I asked him to think about going – I gave him a few days to decide if it would be too much for him.  Ultimately he decided against it.  Concerts are out for the foreseeable future, the crowds, the loud music, the loss of control.  It just isn’t something that he can even think about without anxiety.  Sure I was bummed, he’s my first choice date for everything but after I had my brief “woe is me” moment I asked if he would mind if I went anyway, he doesn’t mind at all. 

This is why this works.  THIS, this team we’ve created.  For so long it was him & his TBI against me.  It almost broke us. 

It’s OK for me to take a moment to be a little pissed about some of this.  It’s not fair that things have changed so much.  It’s not fair that he lives with so much pain and anxiety.  None of this is fair but that life.  We take our moments to be pissed them it’s over.

But I don't really think he keeps us from anything, we just do things differently now.  Like I've always said when things get hard - he came home.  I might wish he could do what he used to do but I am just lucky to have him at all, he came home. 

Little Moments

Addie wouldn't sleep last night, we could hear her in there talking to her stuffed animals.  She's at a point where she still kind of needs a nap but doesn't sleep well at night.  This on top of how impossible a three year old can be is not much fun.  We admitted defeat last night and let her hang out with us while we watched The Voice.

She was calm, she let me cut her nails.  When I was done she was looking at my nails and fingers and demanded to see my rings.  She loves my rings.  Because she was so calm I decided to let her try them on, she had them resting on her index finger looking at them and said "I am going to marry for you Momma".  I told her that would be very sad for Daddy because I'm married to him. 

"Daddy can marry Moses."

It was decided last night that Addie wants to marry me and she thinks Will should marry the dog.  Ha!

I know it sounds weird to people who may not have kids when parents talk about their kids wanting to marry them but to me it is the biggest compliment.  They are starting to understand that Will and I chose each other, we love each other so much that we decided to be together.  When my girls talk about marrying me or each other I just take that to mean they love that person so much that if they could they would choose to spend forever with them. 

What is sweeter than that?

It's Allowed (updated)

Updated 2/26 5:30PM-
I pulled into the driveway and noticed that the car had moved...he went to the store!  I had to hold back my tears, I was on the phone with my sister and just kept saying "oh my god, he went to the store, he went to the store!"  Knowing what a major step this is she was so happy for him and me.

Today I am reminding myself that it is alright to allow myself to be frustrated with the changes Will's TBI has brought into our lives.

I am allowed to not love being solely responsible for anything that needs to be done outside of the home and for most things inside.

I am allowed to be disappointed when he says he's going to do something but his anxiety gets the best of him and he doesn't even try.

I am allowed to want a release from the stress that all of this causes, knowing that there just aren't enough hours in the day.

I am allowed to be hurt when he is so wrapped up in his own issues that he doesn't even acknowledge when I tell him I am having issues as well.

This is a struggle and just because it's been 5 years since his accident the struggle hasn't gone away.  I'm having a hard time today, I am having very selfish thoughts.  Well, I don't know if they are selfish, they feel selfish because I truly do understand his issues but if he would just try, to go to the market it would make me so happy.  Even if he gets there and can't go in...I don't know, like I said I am being selfish but as long as I can get over it this is allowed too.

The Joys of Underemployment - Really

I have a secret to tell you, I like being underemployed.  I know, I know this is against everything that I am supposed to believe, everything I was taught at that fancy private business college but it’s the truth.  I get to work around 7:50 every day and, quite literally, the moment that clock hits five I am the first one out the door.  I am the Speedy Gonzales of punching out and shutting down.

I am a receptionist.  I have the same job that I had just out of college.  I answer phones, I e-file documents, I take care of the mail.  This is what I was hired to do.  There are a few other jobs that I have taken on to fill my day, things that wouldn’t normally be trusted to “just a receptionist” and I’m glad for them but it’s still not rocket science.   There are a few things I won’t do, I won’t get your coffee, I won’t  file your work so you can spend the afternoon chatting in the kitchen, (unless your name is on the building)I won’t screen your calls – a girls has to have her limits.

When looking for a job after leaving the hellish field of life insurance sales I applied for anything and everything.  I just wanted to work, needed to work.  I sent my resume to my current employer after reading the posting and thinking “I can do that in my sleep” and didn’t expect to hear back because I am so over qualified.  When they called the next day I took the interview, with a 5 year employment gap beggars can’t be choosers.   A good amount of the interview was about my (over) qualifications and I was honest with them:  “As long as I’m busy I will welcome a low stress job.”  And that’s what I have – I could stand to be a little busier though.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not running around with “Proud Receptionist” stickers on my cars – when someone I graduated college with asks what I’m doing now I am pretty embarrassed to admit that if we worked together I would be getting their calls.  I have to remember that their lives look nothing like mine.  I glad that they don’t have the stress of a wounded warrior – even when things are going well it’s a weight I carry around always.  My employers here know all about him and have been great about the days I’ve had to go home and let him rest or go to immediate VA appointments.   When I leave work I LEAVE work, I don’t bring things home, I don’t stay awake thinking about phone calls I transferred to the wrong person – none of that.  

There are some disadvantages to being the front desk girl, the biggest is that I am constantly talked down to.  I am not an idiot, don't treat my like one of your kids.  When people call I say the name of the company, several times a day someone responds with "Hello ABC Company this is..." hahaha, you were pretending like the place I work is my real name...so funny - no.  When I take my break someone sits at my desk.  Get away from my desk and no you may not reorganize it.  And finally the pay, it's not BMW type money but we don't need that, I am paid for what is expected of me so if I spend the afternoon reading a book I don't feel bad about it, I am not being paid to be busy every second of the day.

I still take pride in my work, I think when you are underemployed there is the chance of becoming complacent and sloppy, I’ve made a point to not let that happen.  I know I am not curing cancer but if I don’t do my job correctly no one in the office can get anything done.  I just had my review and my boss had nothing but good things to say about me which always feels nice.  Now, I don’t plan to be a receptionist for the rest of my working life, we are actually in the process of moving me to the sales team but it’s a long process.  I told my new boss that I hope the compensation of the new job is enough to make me want to add some work stress to my life because as of right now we are making ends meet while I am on a working vacation.  I’m excited to see what the next professional step will be but for now I am enjoying  getting paid to hang out and answer the phone every few minutes of so, and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that.

I Can Do That

When I decided to put the excuses down and get healthy there was one driving force: my girls.  They have been robbed the super physically active and healthy father that Will would have been thanks to his war injuries so I wasn’t going to rob them of a healthy mother as well.  Many times when things got hard I reminded myself that what happened to Will is irreversible, we have no course other than to accept the hand that he’s been dealt and live the best life we can given our circumstance.  This doesn’t mean we stop hoping and celebrating the advances he makes in his recovery but we just know not to count on anything and appreciate everything.  I can’t even remember how many times I said or thought “one of us has to be healthy” when I really wanted to give up and eat a jar of Nutella and that’s really been my battle cry.

This winter has been a bitch.  The snow has been record breaking and unlike anything I’ve ever seen, even as a seasoned New Englander.  We have our driveway plowed by our landlord but the walkways to the basement/laundry, to the driveway, and a place for the dog to do his business, those all fall on us.  During the first blizzard Will was out there every few hours busting his ass to keep ahead of the accumulation and the next day we thought that he was going to be fine after all of that physical labor,  he didn’t have the headache or stiffness that he usually had after physical activity so we started to think maybe the worst was over, but we were wrong.  Two days later he was throwing up, unable to move, irritable and just miserable.  He pushed it too hard, he just can't do that any more.

Over the next month of storms I knew it fell on me.  I didn't mind, I welcomed the new workout - I hate snow and cold but I didn't have a choice.  Growing up I never shoveled, that's what brothers are for so I really had no idea what I was doing.  After my first round I figured it out, push with my legs, use my abs to get it over the high snow banks...it was hard work but I could do it.  I had to do, one of us had to and thankfully one of us could.

This isn't a hoe-hum-look-how-hard-my-life-is post.  This is more of a, hot-damn-I'm-a-bad-ass-and-I-can-do-this post.  Had I let myself continue down that unhealthy path I was headed down I don't know what we would have done, 2 years ago I was not strong enough to shovel out of 4 inches of snow, 34....forget it.  But now, well now - forget it, I've got that!  I may not be 100% happy with how I look, I have some body image issues to work through, but grabbing a sledge hammer and removing inches of ice from my walkway yesterday, that was empowering.  I highly recommend it.

I am not saying I loved every minute out there but when I wanted to complain about all the hard work I thought about all those people who simply can't shovel and I was grateful.  I am able, I am strong, I am a member of an amazing team.  I know Will has so much guilt and a bruised ego about not doing the "man's" work but like I said, we can't change the past but we are making the best of where we are now.