This Blog Likes to Mess With Me

When things have been going well for long enough for me to talk about here they seem to turn to shit them moment I hit "publish".  When things are going bad long enough for me to talk about here they seem to look up the moment I hit "publish".  So dare I say, things are going pretty well (ducks under the table for a moment waiting for lightning bolts and earthquakes...).

I mentioned on twitter the other day that people who only read my blog must think I am so miserable all the time but people on twitter know that I am quite the opposite.  The truth is that I don't take myself too seriously.  My marriage, my husband, my children - I take them very seriously - but myself, not so much.   Life is too short not to laugh at yourself really so if I pee a little bit after a long run, who cares!  I know there are other moms in the same boat and if we can't laugh at ourselves for it than life would be pretty depressing. 

I do wish I had more time to devote to this blog, I know it would be nice to keep a record of what is going in here like I did with the last blog but I will sing that same old song many bloggers sing when they slow down posting - I don't have the time.  My new job has crazy hours, most of my appointments are in the evenings so I spend my day doing all the things I did as a stay at home mom (cook, clean, parent...all of it) then I go to work until 9-10 at night.  I watched an episode of Days of our lives from the first week of March last night.  That is serious.  So twitter is the easiest way for me to communicate, it's quick and no fuss.  I promise I will try to hit my goal of 2 meaningful posts here a week - not just when things are bad - I swear!

Running is My Happy Place

 
It's hard to believe that running wasn't a big part of my life before this past August, sure we flirted a few times in the past but for one reason or another we never got serious.  But now, now I have a hard time picturing life without it.

My new job, well it's time consuming and I am in my car a lot with nothing to do but think.  I think a lot about how time driving from one central Massachusetts town to the next could be spent with my running shoes on working up a sweat.  I had been guilted into skipping out on the gym so much these last few weeks that my workouts were really suffering and the time I did spend at the gym I felt so guilty that I couldn't get any respectable work out in.  I decided that something had to change.  I needed a goal to work for, I needed to treat my workouts like I treat my appointments for work, they go in my book and no matter how badly I don't want to go, I go.  I went over to pinterest and found my half marathon training schedule and wrote the workouts in my calendar. Now I have a goal.

I don't have a half marathon coming up and haven't even looked into singing up for one other than the race in the fall but I think the training for that will be easier if I am used to running for more than 4 miles at a time.

So far having the workout scheduled is really helping, on Thursday at about 8:45PM I was finishing up my phone calls in the office and realized I still had to get in my three miles!  Crap, I had eaten my weight in Five Guys fries and a bacon burger for lunch and still had my hour commute home at 9.  It sucked.  I got home and made myself put on my gym clothes and then procrastinated....a lot.  But I got it done, I think it posted to RunKeeper at 11PM.  Hey, I got it done!

This July I am running The Run to Home Base which is a fundraiser for the Red Sox Foundation and homebase.org and helps fund research and awareness for TBI and PTSD, obviously something very near to my heart (and the Red Sox...HELLO - I get to round the bases at Fenway, get out of town!).  I had to commit to raising $750 before the race in July so I will be asking for help.  Here is the link to my fundraising page.  (http://www.runtohomebase.org/2014RunToHomeBase/AmberSnow) If you can please donate, I will do a full post on this soon and would love the help of the blogging community to not only reach but demolish my goal so if anyone wants to let me guest post about it to reach your readers that would be amazing.  But more on that later.  For now I am just excited to be registered and hopefully by then 9K will be like a warm up run for me.

I Want Peace

My obsession for the band O.A.R. is not a secret, I wrote about how without them I would have never met my husband here.  I don't know what it is about this band but they are always putting out music that would fit perfectly in the soundtrack of my life.

Their new single is "Peace", I first heard it last summer when they played it on their tour and immediately fell in love.  I listen to it constantly now because every word rings true for me.

I didn't get married to fight, I want peace!  His injury took away our peace and it sucks.

I don’t wanna fight no more
I only wanna get to shore
Baby don’t slam the door tonight
Ran another off the tracks that’s time we can’t get back
We can save tomorrow if we try
Ohhhhh I won’t say good night till we make this right
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me and I want peace
Yea everybody needs a place, somewhere that’s warm and safe for shelter from this crazy world we’re in, yea
But tonight I let the rain inside, I took away your place to hide
I’m sorry if I made you cry again
Ohhhhh we don’t have to fight
Ohhh kiss me good night
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love I want us I want you I want me and I want peace
Yea I want peace
Ohhhhh I won’t say good night
Ohhhh ‘till we make this right
‘Cause I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till you fall asleep
I want love I want us I want you I want me and I want peace
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till you fall asleep
I want love I want us I want you I want me I want love I want us I want you I want me and I want peace 

I Lied

I lied to myself and then to all of you.  I have never been so unhappy in my life. I am not loving my new job and not getting the support I need to really take advantage of this opportunity. I am made to feel guilty about not being with the girls while I work and mostly when I'm not working.  Going to the gym is a constant battle, I can't go after work because Will wants to hang out and I can't go before because I'm abandoning him with the kids.

I want a partner, someone who will try to understand things from my side.  Someone who won't expect me to do everything. If I walk in the door at midnight the last thing I want to see is the mess from dinner waiting for me or toys all over the living room.  I know some days are hard but I never left my slack for him to pick up, if I left a mess I took care of it. I am just so tired - I could sleep for months.

I just want to be happy, I that so much to ask?  Don't I get a chance to finally be happy? Ever?

Thanks for Weighing In, Not Really!

About a month ago...I think a few pounds heavier than right now

I know I haven't posted much about fitness these days, the truth is I hardly have time to work out and when I do I am made to feel guilty about taking the time for myself...but that is a different issue.  I am trying to run when I can, so I am still getting myself moving several times a week and burning off the nervous energy I keep pent up but also burning calories.

I have no idea how many calories I eat in a day but between the bread, almonds, and snacks....lots of snacks it has to be a lot!  If I want fries, I have fries, if I want pizza I will have pizza.  I don't deprive myself, I promise.  The issue is that I am still losing weight.  I think saying 120 may even be generous at this point.  I'm 5'7".  I WANT to gain some muscle weight but I haven't had to time to really put into it, and at this rate I can't imagine how much I will have to eat to make that happen.  The point is that I am not happy with my body.

When is anyone ever totally happy with their body?  Or if they are when do they feel comfortable admitting it?  The go to answer to "Have you lost weight?" is "I still have X pounds to go!" or "now to tone up".  No one ever seems happy with where they are.  All we can do is encourage each other to feel happy with how beautiful they really are at that moment.

We had a late birthday party for TC yesterday and as soon as she got me alone my stepmother told me that I am too skinny and kind of accused me of being sick.  I don't know if she meant physically ill or something mental with everything I'm dealing with or both.  She may have been implying she thinks I'm anorexic (had she seen my sister and me dipping potato chips into frosting an hour earlier she wouldn't have had to worry about that).

My loose top did not do the job I intended it to do, the jeans are loose because I refuse to buy size 0, it just isn't me.

 I was left feeling like shit, I know I am too skinny (for what I want to be, not that everyone at 5'7" 120ish is too skinny) and I am unhappy with how I look but for the rest of the day I was extra aware of it, feeling like people were watching everything I put in my mouth.  I feel like it was out of concern but I don't think that I would have had to same lecture if I had gained a bunch of weight, people know that is hurtful, why can't they see it's hurtful on the other end of the spectrum too? 

This was a bit startling, I had no idea that my bones were quite that obvious.

Wordless Wednesday

The Hardest Choice (Part 2)

After Will's friend died something in him changed.  It wasn't one of those "oh shit life is short" moments which is pretty common after a loss and usually fades.  It was a decision to be a better version of himself.  His friend touched so many lives and I am sure that seeing all the positive things being said about him and just remembering his spirit triggered Will to want to be a better person.  I asked him about it and he has no idea that he changed (he has no memory of how bad things were either but that's a different post all together).

He started researching things to be done to help him feel better since he still hasn't been seen by the VA yet.  He found a few things, when presenting them to me he said it - what I have been waiting to hear for years "I am just so sick of being so fucking miserable all the time, I am sick of missing out on life."  That was all I needed.  He's been trying a few things and I have seen some improvements, but most importantly he's trying.  That is enough right now.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but right now things are going alright.  It's not perfect, if you follow me on twitter you know that he still gets on my nerves on a daily basis.  He still says very unkind things to me and many times I feel defeated at the end of the day but this is a process.  Through it all I have been able to stop looking for him to validate me, I don't need his approval but I am still craving his support.   

Marriage is a daily decision to love and stay in love.  I am taking things very slowly - I need to be sure that I am comfortable with every situation before I can really let myself go.  It's frustrating to him and since he never understood how miserable and afraid I was he doesn't understand my reluctance to hop into bed with him again.  I hope I am there soon, I really do but I am not rushing myself.  I hope this isn't a sign that things really aren't on the right track and I'm just fooling myself but I guess time will tell.

The hardest decision I have ever made was the decision to stay.  Deciding to leave was easy, he basically made that decision for me.  Wanted to be away from that situation was a nobrainer, had the financial part of it had been easy I don't know where I would be right now, I know I wouldn't be questioning my choice - at the time it seemed like my only option.  Choosing to stay - it took until I posted tn last week, I hadn't even fully committed to it to myself, it's hard but it will be worth it.