Wednesday, November 5, 2014



That is total.  After 100% there can be no more.  Last week a letter came in the mail with Will’s new compensation from the VA and in it were new ratings - he is now considered to be 100% disabled as far as the VA is concerned.  We were pretty shocked, we weren’t expecting this to just randomly show up but there it was.  A split second, a bad judgment, a momentary lapse almost 5 years ago sent a vehicle rolling down a river bank in the middle of nowhere Iraq and left my husband 100% disabled.

Of course the pay is much better; the jump from 90 to 100% is a little ridiculous.  The first check hit 2 days after we got the letter and – well it was nice.  He can’t work, he’s obviously earned this money so I have no guilt in him receiving it but in all honesty I don’t want it.

They can take it back, all of it.  Take back the CRSC and the back pay (well technically, they still have that so I guess they would just keep it).  Take everything back and just give me my husband back.  I used to call him my jester, I want that back.

But we are lucky, he came home.  I never let myself forget how incredibly lucky we are.

Mourning is tricky when the person you are mourning is still alive.  But I am still, after all these years, mourning the man who didn’t come home from that deployment.  The man I didn’t see when we first locked eyes at SeaTac airport.  The Ranger who I sent off not even 2 months before.  I’ve somewhat been at peace with this for a while, the out of nowhere gut punches are fewer and further between than ever but with this new rating they all came back. 

He is never getting better.  Ever. 

Of course I already knew this.  But just like the first time I saw “not fit for duty” on an actual piece of paper this killed me.  I can’t really talk to him about this, that’s the last thing he needs so I am just kind of carrying it around.  I had a hugely ugly/snotty cry in the car last week and if I let my mind wonder it finds these incredibly dark places but I am trying to look at the bright side.  They pay, some tax breaks in my state, some other things.  This new rating is a good thing and he is still the same person he was the day before we got the letter.  
Just like you never really know what being a grown up is supposed to feel like I have no idea how to be the wife of a disabled vet.  Just like I have been doing most of my adult life I will just keep faking it until I make it.


  1. <3 Sending hugs if you want them. <3

  2. You are doing it beautifully and just right! Thinking about all of you! Hugs!

  3. This also qualifies you for a lot of aide- including Chapter 35 for you (free education) and other benefits at the state and federal level. Have you signed up for the caregiver stipend program? That is more money, and focuses on support for you. There is a WOLRD of support out there you have EARNED.