Monday, February 24, 2014

The Hardest Choice (Part 2)

After Will's friend died something in him changed.  It wasn't one of those "oh shit life is short" moments which is pretty common after a loss and usually fades.  It was a decision to be a better version of himself.  His friend touched so many lives and I am sure that seeing all the positive things being said about him and just remembering his spirit triggered Will to want to be a better person.  I asked him about it and he has no idea that he changed (he has no memory of how bad things were either but that's a different post all together).

He started researching things to be done to help him feel better since he still hasn't been seen by the VA yet.  He found a few things, when presenting them to me he said it - what I have been waiting to hear for years "I am just so sick of being so fucking miserable all the time, I am sick of missing out on life."  That was all I needed.  He's been trying a few things and I have seen some improvements, but most importantly he's trying.  That is enough right now.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but right now things are going alright.  It's not perfect, if you follow me on twitter you know that he still gets on my nerves on a daily basis.  He still says very unkind things to me and many times I feel defeated at the end of the day but this is a process.  Through it all I have been able to stop looking for him to validate me, I don't need his approval but I am still craving his support.   

Marriage is a daily decision to love and stay in love.  I am taking things very slowly - I need to be sure that I am comfortable with every situation before I can really let myself go.  It's frustrating to him and since he never understood how miserable and afraid I was he doesn't understand my reluctance to hop into bed with him again.  I hope I am there soon, I really do but I am not rushing myself.  I hope this isn't a sign that things really aren't on the right track and I'm just fooling myself but I guess time will tell.

The hardest decision I have ever made was the decision to stay.  Deciding to leave was easy, he basically made that decision for me.  Wanted to be away from that situation was a nobrainer, had the financial part of it had been easy I don't know where I would be right now, I know I wouldn't be questioning my choice - at the time it seemed like my only option.  Choosing to stay - it took until I posted tn last week, I hadn't even fully committed to it to myself, it's hard but it will be worth it.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Hardest Choice (part one)

My feet hadn't even hit Massachusetts dirt before I knew what I needed to do, I had to get the hell out of there.  I was tired, I was scared, I was defeated, I was just done. However, having been out of work for the past 4 years taking care of my babies, and my husband, I didn't have the means to take my girls and get out of the situation that was only getting worse by the day.

As our time in Yuma winded down our days got more and more tense.  About a month before we left he said something to me, something that I wont share for both his and my privacy, but it terrified me.  That was the moment I shut everything down.  I slept next to a man I did no know...and to be clear, I slept as close to the edge of the bed as I could get without falling out because the thought of touching him made my skin crawl.  I held out the smallest sliver of hope that things would get better when we got home, I couldn't see how but I really hoped.

The drive home was torture.  It was on that trip that I saw him transform in front of me and, once again, almost put his hands on me.  He made me want to pack up my girls and disappear in the night.  But maybe things could get better, somehow.

When we got home we stayed with his friends and their kids for the month it took us to find a place to live, it wasn't easy but with people around I felt safer, it didn't keep him from threatening me again - making me fear the 50lb advantage he has over me.  During this time I became cold, and I tuned out any thoughts that life could go on for our little family.  My goal had shifted from saving my marriage to my exit plan (find a job, open solo account, start hiding money...GET OUT).  I couldn't do it anymore, my kids deserved a happy mom and a safe home.  To be clear, actually hit me and never threatened our kids.  What he said to me in Arizona was still loud and clear in my head - this person could snap at any time.

When the time to move into our home came around I was so excited to get into my own space, away from the family who was so gracious to keep us for so long.  While I was excited to freely fart in my own home I was terrified.  I didn't let anyone know.  No one knew that I feared for my safety every time I had to disagree with him.  Before I knew it my rings came off while I was cooking and I never cared to put them back on.  He never even commented, or even noticed.  All I heard about was the months that had passed since I had done anything more than sleep next to him in our bed.

I was elbows deep into job listings, hoping that anyone would just give me a chance.  I had a fear of being alone for the rest of my life but having a single mother was better for my girls than not having a mother at all.  I was scared, never know when he was going to let his dark thoughts take him over.

It wasn't all him, I had been distracted with other things as well.  I was making all of these plans for my future without him.  At some moments I was happily distracted even.  I could see a life after marriage.  The thought of myself loving someone else wasn't that strange anymore - I had decided that someday it would really work out for me and the girls.

A few days after Christmas something horribly tragic happened, he lost a very dear, very close friend suddenly and unexpectedly.  As he came out of his shock over the next few weeks something had shifted.

I need to take a break from this, it's getting long and I want to be sure I get this right.  I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one to have gone through this and I want my story to be told the right way if for no one else than that one woman reading this saying "oh my God, me too!".

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

He said something

I hope to have time to really get into this soon, I've been putting off even talking about it, afraid of being a jinx but it seems that something has clicked with Will.  I am finally hopeful again about our marriage and we are slowly transitioning back from coexisting in the same home to being man and wife again.

Hopefully I will have a handle on how to balance the family and a job that requires up to 70 hours a week while making time for blogging soon.  Until then please know that despite many many heartbreaks and moments that I am not entirely proud of I am on my way back to where I have been praying I'd be.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


My little lady turned 4 today, it's nuts that I've been a mom for that long.  We had a low key birthday since we've all been sick for a week but she was very happy that we did the special birthday things.  She woke up to steamers on her door and balloon in the living room, something I started on her second birthday - she knew it would be there but she still got really excited (after she let her morning grump dissipate).  We made cupcakes and downloaded Despicable Me 2 for her and then I slipped out of the house.
TC takes eggs seriously, Addie, always judging! 
I had my state licensing exam today to be life insurance producer (I'm going to sell), I needed 70 out of 100 questions to pass, I got 82.  Woot woot!  The best thing about passing it on my first try is the company I will be representing will pay my licensing fee for me - that's like $230!  Tomorrow I have orientation and start field training on Saturday!  It's nuts - I will be knee deep in it before I know it, and that's really a good thing. 

So, it has been a happy day here - oh and we got a foot of snow (blah). 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

What I've Been Up To

There is a sickness in this house, the kids are gross, Will is gross - I was beyond gross for a day.  Even through the fog of sickness I have been doing a lot of this:

This stuff

I am taking the plunge and testing for my life insurance sales license next week.  I've found a company who seems great to work for and if I can actually succeed at this it would mean certain financial security and independence for my girls and me, you know - if we need it.

Unfortunately I have been to the gym since Monday with the sickness and studying, I am hoping to get back today for a light is time to get moving! 

I had to fight the urge to dip tortilla chips in nutella 2 days ago so that should clue you in on where my body is too.  It is the perfect storm around here but I am a firm believe there getting my body moving is the best cure for most period related annoyances.

But back to annuities and such - I should have gone to a really highly rated business school or something...oh wait - I did, if only I retained ANY of this information!