Monday, February 24, 2014

The Hardest Choice (Part 2)

After Will's friend died something in him changed.  It wasn't one of those "oh shit life is short" moments which is pretty common after a loss and usually fades.  It was a decision to be a better version of himself.  His friend touched so many lives and I am sure that seeing all the positive things being said about him and just remembering his spirit triggered Will to want to be a better person.  I asked him about it and he has no idea that he changed (he has no memory of how bad things were either but that's a different post all together).

He started researching things to be done to help him feel better since he still hasn't been seen by the VA yet.  He found a few things, when presenting them to me he said it - what I have been waiting to hear for years "I am just so sick of being so fucking miserable all the time, I am sick of missing out on life."  That was all I needed.  He's been trying a few things and I have seen some improvements, but most importantly he's trying.  That is enough right now.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but right now things are going alright.  It's not perfect, if you follow me on twitter you know that he still gets on my nerves on a daily basis.  He still says very unkind things to me and many times I feel defeated at the end of the day but this is a process.  Through it all I have been able to stop looking for him to validate me, I don't need his approval but I am still craving his support.   

Marriage is a daily decision to love and stay in love.  I am taking things very slowly - I need to be sure that I am comfortable with every situation before I can really let myself go.  It's frustrating to him and since he never understood how miserable and afraid I was he doesn't understand my reluctance to hop into bed with him again.  I hope I am there soon, I really do but I am not rushing myself.  I hope this isn't a sign that things really aren't on the right track and I'm just fooling myself but I guess time will tell.

The hardest decision I have ever made was the decision to stay.  Deciding to leave was easy, he basically made that decision for me.  Wanted to be away from that situation was a nobrainer, had the financial part of it had been easy I don't know where I would be right now, I know I wouldn't be questioning my choice - at the time it seemed like my only option.  Choosing to stay - it took until I posted tn last week, I hadn't even fully committed to it to myself, it's hard but it will be worth it.

1 comment:

  1. I am quietly cheering for your family. Sometimes it takes years for these guys to see that and sadly, some never do. I had to realize that I had changed a lot too and needed to stop feeling like I had one foot out the door. Instead of saying "okay, I can always leave," every time we fought, I had to ask myself if I was going to love him through it even if it was going to be like this for the rest of our lives. There are days where it's easier than others which is to be expected. (I certainly don't expect someone to stay if there's infidelity or abuse going on). Once I finally came to terms with what really happened, I was finally able to let it go and move forward. I'm pulling for you guys and I'm always here for you if you need anything.