Our Easter Wouldn't Be Complete Without a TBI Story

As I read through everyone’s Easter recaps and scrolled through the smiling faces on my Facebook feed I needed to remind myself that my journey isn’t going to look like your journey.  Every family has its quirks.  We had a perfectly lovely Easter.  The girls enjoyed coloring eggs, did not enjoy eating them.  They were super excited for their baskets and new basketball hoop.  They got to play with their cousins and have an egg hunt at their grandma’s house.  What they didn’t get to do was spend the day with their father.  His head prevented him from joining us on the trip to my stepmother’s house.

Looking back at last week I am not surprised.  I should have known but sometimes I forget that we aren’t a “normal” family and I let go of some of my self-preservation techniques.  Last week was just a crappy week; work was really getting to me, I was really missing my girls, I had a minor car accident that left me hurting all week and some unthinkable things affected people I love.  I was in more than a funk, I was in a depression.  I tried to hide it but I couldn’t so I tried to talk to Will about it.  I knew I shouldn’t have, when I am having a hard time with how our life has played out he has a hard time understanding that it’s not his fault.  When I really just need to vent and cry and be told that things will be OK I usually end up having to reassure him and I am left worse off than before.  It’s not his fault – I know this and I am not mad at him for it but it is so frustrating.

I don’t want to keep things from my husband, I love him and want to share everything with him but at the same time I want to protect him.  My unloading on him made him upset and stressed and with the anxiety of a large Easter gathering hanging over his head his body reacted.  5 years after his accident he started experiencing a “concussion headache”.  He has several different types of headaches and having never had any of them I can’t really talk about them but he said he felt as if he had just gotten the head injury.  Because of this he knew that he would be able to handle a loud house full of people, so that is why we spent Easter apart.

He was there for the girls’ baskets and when we got home he heard all about their day but he wasn’t there.  I had a great time with my family and it was nice to not have to worry about how he was doing with my family but I would have rather of had him there.   

We have done a pretty good job adjusting to what is normal for us but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

Celebrating All Over the Place

Christmas is a busy time in most homes but in ours it’s a nonstop party.  Not really but there is never a shortage of things to celebrate.

On December 17^th Addie turned 3!  She is really coming into her own too which is both amazing and annoying.  It is fun to be a fly on the wall with her and TC, TC is quickly learning that Addie isn’t the pushover little sister that she has been the past three years.  In the past TC could trade Addie all the toys in the playroom for a ball of lint.  Addie didn’t care that she got screwed she just knew that her sister gave her such a beautiful, perfect, amazing ball of lint!  TC still tries with the ridiculous trades but now Addie is smart enough to say no (but maybe not always smart enough not to hit her sister over the head with whatever toy was wanted – it’s a work in progress).  As a three year old I think she will do well, I really think this will be a great year for her, not for any reason in particular but having been observing her closely over the last three years I can see that she’s ready to pounce…on what I don’t know but I am sure she will do it with loads of giggles and possibly a finger in her nose.

The just out of bed birthday strut.

Next came Christmas and that was wonderful.  Christmas Eve at the in-laws…I could do without that but you do what you have to do I suppose but it was all worth for 6AM on Christmas morning.  Sitting on the floor watching the two most beautiful girls squeal with delight over a new pack of undies and they totally lose their minds when they biggest Christmas wishes were granted.   

Notice how TC is digging in and Addie is admiring the gift?

 As TC opened her Hobbit Lego set she kept saying “I told you I would get it Mom, I knew I would get it…it has Smaug, I told you! I got it!”   

And Addie trembling as she slowly opened a doll house almost as big as herself; it was enough to melt my cold cold heart.

On December 26^th Will and I celebrated 9 years of marriage.  We celebrated by not doing anything at all, it was perfect.  The morning after he came down from bed and gave me a high five, “9 years and one day, we did it.” And that was about it.  I can’t help but think about where we were a year ago, I can’t believe we were able to pull ourselves out of a pit so deep that we couldn’t see daylight.  While things aren't always perfect and he’s still not back to his old self I can say with confidence that we are happy.  If I may quote Sex and the City (and I may because it’s my blog) “every day, not all day every day but every day” we are happy every day. 

This week we will usher in a New Year, I am so excited to see what is in store for us in 2015.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, I truly do and I want to thank you again for all of your support these last few years, here and on twitter and all over.  Even when I was feeling so utterly alone I knew I wasn’t and that got me through so much.  Thank you.

What a Year It's Been, Life After the Army

It’s a strange thing thriving in a marriage that was all but over just a year ago. 

I look back at where we were at this time last year.  We pulled into Massachusetts, home, after 7 years away.  Back to where the faces were familiar but none of them really knew me.  They thought they knew the struggles of the past 7 years but really couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like. 

When I think about my very first positive pregnancy test – it was the most exciting day of my life, everything changed that day but there was a black cloud.  I did what every suspicious woman does, did a double take at the calendar, ran to the store, peed on a stick and waited.  When that “pregnant” popped up I screamed and jumped and cried and turned to share my excitement/fear/love with…my dog.  I was alone, again.  Will had returned from deployment and two weeks later was gone for another two weeks.  He learned he was going to be a father 3,000 miles away from the baby.  

This memory, the mixed emotions of that day and so many others like it, will stay with me forever.  Like many military spouses there is a little bit of sadness in every happy occasion while we were dependents.  The end of our army life doesn’t change the past.  I wouldn’t want to take the army out of our lives but it wasn’t all homecomings and Ranger Balls.  (haha balls)  The people I was now surrounding myself with daily will never understand any of this.  On top of this there was the other thing, the whole reason we were home, the injury. 

If I had a dollar for every, “everything happens for a reason”, “it’s all part of the plan” and “but the good news is that you’re home” I wouldn’t be stuck in a soul sucking job. 

The injury that destroyed the man I married and left me with some unrecognizable shell of a human, someone who wanted to rejoin the world but didn’t know how or was afraid to try.  Looking back on the move, I posted pictures on Facebook and updates of our progress from one coast to the other.  When I look at the video of Addie seeing snow for the first time in West Virginia all I can think of is the look on Will’s face when I told him to stop throwing snowballs at my window because he was about to break it.  The way he morphed into the monster I didn’t know.  How scared I felt as he marched over to me, bracing for impact sure this would be the moment he would finally hit me.  The humiliation as he stuffed snow down my back in anger just to be sure my day of travel would be as uncomfortable as possible.   Driving through tears was nothing new to me by this point on our trip.  That is a story I would never share with my family because that is not the man I married but this is the baggage that I carried across the country with me.

As our life together improves daily I don’t feel bad about almost leaving.  How could anyone stay married when marriage looked like that?  I was in constant fight or flight mode with one priority, my daughters.  I think it’s important for me to keep these memories, I haven’t seen that monster in months, not since he walked up to me and told me that he was sick of being miserable all the time.  It’s like those words killed that monster, much like Dorothy he had the power to go home the whole time but he just had to believe. 

I have let go of the guilt for that period of time.   Everything I did, everything I planned, every thought was done to protect myself and my kids. 

But here we are, a year and a day since returning home.  I always said the first year home would be make or break and it was.  Together we are working on what seems to be the beginning of our happily ever after.  There are still so many things to work on, like any marriage.  I do know that ours needs extra TLC, this is what comes with his injury but we are both committed to being the best versions of ourselves.  

We are far from done but we made it this far – both scarred and changed but we are here.  Together.

A Fall Day A Year In The Making

It is amazing to think that last year at this time we were in the final stages of the medboard waiting game. Stuck in the perpetual summer of Arizona unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing it must be there but not fully trusting that we would ever reach it. Every time someone back home posted pictures of apple picking, foliage, boots, sweaters it made my heart ache. Being so close to the end but still not sure what that would mean.

It was around this time last year that I started to give up. I was so tired of fighting. Fighting in every sense of the word. I was the only one trying to hold our family together as Will had made himself a nice home at the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle with blinders on when it came to anything real.

But here we are. We made it, I don’t know how but we are here.

Nope, not happening.

Yesterday Will (who hasn’t had JD in several months FYI) suggested we go to the outlets, it was a crisp bright fall day here in New England so an outdoor mall was perfect. We got the girls dressed in their fall sweaters and boots, like Momma, and Will said “we need to get a picture of the three of you.” My husband who rolls his eyes when I suggest a picture! He then said, “wait until we are outside by the trees”. The man who a year ago at this time wouldn’t turn his xbox off long enough to even notice how the girls were dressed.

nope, not this time

We are far from perfect but we are fighting through. We both are fighting. I have a whole post stewing about teamwork so I will just say here that it is just so important.

And now a mini photodump of my ladies playing in the leaves for the first time in their little lives. I know my dad was watching them enjoy this perfect fall day from his perch in heaven.

Date? That's a Fruit Right?

I am getting more and more frustrated with our lack of dates.  We still haven't had one since 2010...February 2010.  We now live close to family and have a cousin of Will's 1.5 miles away willing to sit but still nothing.  Today he made me choose between going to the zoo with the girls are going out with him tonight because he didn't think he would be able to handle both.

I've never seen Sophie's Choice but I imagine it had something to do with a similar decision. 

Here is a picture of me and the girls at the zoo.

I am beyond frustrated.  8 months ago we were on the verge of a split, it is way overdue that we put us first.  The best part of all of this is talking about it without making it seem like I am attacking him or downplaying his anxiety but the fact is that I have it too.  My triggers are different but they are still very real and feeling like I am worth at least attempting a night out would do a lot to help me. 

I want to get pretty and go somewhere with just my husband and, for one night, be a normal couple.

I Want Peace

My obsession for the band O.A.R. is not a secret, I wrote about how without them I would have never met my husband here.  I don't know what it is about this band but they are always putting out music that would fit perfectly in the soundtrack of my life.

Their new single is "Peace", I first heard it last summer when they played it on their tour and immediately fell in love.  I listen to it constantly now because every word rings true for me.

I didn't get married to fight, I want peace!  His injury took away our peace and it sucks.

I don’t wanna fight no more
I only wanna get to shore
Baby don’t slam the door tonight
Ran another off the tracks that’s time we can’t get back
We can save tomorrow if we try
Ohhhhh I won’t say good night till we make this right
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me and I want peace
Yea everybody needs a place, somewhere that’s warm and safe for shelter from this crazy world we’re in, yea
But tonight I let the rain inside, I took away your place to hide
I’m sorry if I made you cry again
Ohhhhh we don’t have to fight
Ohhh kiss me good night
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love I want us I want you I want me and I want peace
Yea I want peace
Ohhhhh I won’t say good night
Ohhhh ‘till we make this right
‘Cause I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till you fall asleep
I want love I want us I want you I want me and I want peace
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till you fall asleep
I want love I want us I want you I want me I want love I want us I want you I want me and I want peace 

The Hardest Choice (Part 2)

After Will's friend died something in him changed.  It wasn't one of those "oh shit life is short" moments which is pretty common after a loss and usually fades.  It was a decision to be a better version of himself.  His friend touched so many lives and I am sure that seeing all the positive things being said about him and just remembering his spirit triggered Will to want to be a better person.  I asked him about it and he has no idea that he changed (he has no memory of how bad things were either but that's a different post all together).

He started researching things to be done to help him feel better since he still hasn't been seen by the VA yet.  He found a few things, when presenting them to me he said it - what I have been waiting to hear for years "I am just so sick of being so fucking miserable all the time, I am sick of missing out on life."  That was all I needed.  He's been trying a few things and I have seen some improvements, but most importantly he's trying.  That is enough right now.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but right now things are going alright.  It's not perfect, if you follow me on twitter you know that he still gets on my nerves on a daily basis.  He still says very unkind things to me and many times I feel defeated at the end of the day but this is a process.  Through it all I have been able to stop looking for him to validate me, I don't need his approval but I am still craving his support.   

Marriage is a daily decision to love and stay in love.  I am taking things very slowly - I need to be sure that I am comfortable with every situation before I can really let myself go.  It's frustrating to him and since he never understood how miserable and afraid I was he doesn't understand my reluctance to hop into bed with him again.  I hope I am there soon, I really do but I am not rushing myself.  I hope this isn't a sign that things really aren't on the right track and I'm just fooling myself but I guess time will tell.

The hardest decision I have ever made was the decision to stay.  Deciding to leave was easy, he basically made that decision for me.  Wanted to be away from that situation was a nobrainer, had the financial part of it had been easy I don't know where I would be right now, I know I wouldn't be questioning my choice - at the time it seemed like my only option.  Choosing to stay - it took until I posted tn last week, I hadn't even fully committed to it to myself, it's hard but it will be worth it.

The Hardest Choice (part one)

My feet hadn't even hit Massachusetts dirt before I knew what I needed to do, I had to get the hell out of there.  I was tired, I was scared, I was defeated, I was just done. However, having been out of work for the past 4 years taking care of my babies, and my husband, I didn't have the means to take my girls and get out of the situation that was only getting worse by the day.

As our time in Yuma winded down our days got more and more tense.  About a month before we left he said something to me, something that I wont share for both his and my privacy, but it terrified me.  That was the moment I shut everything down.  I slept next to a man I did no know...and to be clear, I slept as close to the edge of the bed as I could get without falling out because the thought of touching him made my skin crawl.  I held out the smallest sliver of hope that things would get better when we got home, I couldn't see how but I really hoped.

The drive home was torture.  It was on that trip that I saw him transform in front of me and, once again, almost put his hands on me.  He made me want to pack up my girls and disappear in the night.  But maybe things could get better, somehow.

When we got home we stayed with his friends and their kids for the month it took us to find a place to live, it wasn't easy but with people around I felt safer, it didn't keep him from threatening me again - making me fear the 50lb advantage he has over me.  During this time I became cold, and I tuned out any thoughts that life could go on for our little family.  My goal had shifted from saving my marriage to my exit plan (find a job, open solo account, start hiding money...GET OUT).  I couldn't do it anymore, my kids deserved a happy mom and a safe home.  To be clear, actually hit me and never threatened our kids.  What he said to me in Arizona was still loud and clear in my head - this person could snap at any time.

When the time to move into our home came around I was so excited to get into my own space, away from the family who was so gracious to keep us for so long.  While I was excited to freely fart in my own home I was terrified.  I didn't let anyone know.  No one knew that I feared for my safety every time I had to disagree with him.  Before I knew it my rings came off while I was cooking and I never cared to put them back on.  He never even commented, or even noticed.  All I heard about was the months that had passed since I had done anything more than sleep next to him in our bed.

I was elbows deep into job listings, hoping that anyone would just give me a chance.  I had a fear of being alone for the rest of my life but having a single mother was better for my girls than not having a mother at all.  I was scared, never know when he was going to let his dark thoughts take him over.

It wasn't all him, I had been distracted with other things as well.  I was making all of these plans for my future without him.  At some moments I was happily distracted even.  I could see a life after marriage.  The thought of myself loving someone else wasn't that strange anymore - I had decided that someday it would really work out for me and the girls.

A few days after Christmas something horribly tragic happened, he lost a very dear, very close friend suddenly and unexpectedly.  As he came out of his shock over the next few weeks something had shifted.

I need to take a break from this, it's getting long and I want to be sure I get this right.  I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one to have gone through this and I want my story to be told the right way if for no one else than that one woman reading this saying "oh my God, me too!".

He said something

I hope to have time to really get into this soon, I've been putting off even talking about it, afraid of being a jinx but it seems that something has clicked with Will.  I am finally hopeful again about our marriage and we are slowly transitioning back from coexisting in the same home to being man and wife again.

Hopefully I will have a handle on how to balance the family and a job that requires up to 70 hours a week while making time for blogging soon.  Until then please know that despite many many heartbreaks and moments that I am not entirely proud of I am on my way back to where I have been praying I'd be.

The Worst Part of Fighting

It's hard to actually admit to someone that you're unhappy, especially to someone that you really do love.  What's harder that admitting this is hearing "just leave then" when all you really need to hear is "what can I do?".

Things aren't really all bad here, I promise.  My girls are wonderful and for the most part Will and I get along pretty well, as well as any roommates who both enjoy sports and 90s alt rock.

Our New Place

We've been in our new house for about 3 weeks - it seems longer.  The move was pretty easy, how can it not be when the army hires three strong men to do all the heavy lifting?  The hard part is fitting everything from a 1700sf house to an 1100sf 2 story duplex.  I am making it work, finally getting rid of all the baby stuff will help.

We decided to double up the girls so we can have an office type room (read: a room where Will can play his xBox) which I am fine with, they have a really big bedroom and it seems to be going pretty well.  I do think TC misses having a space that is just hers but I shared a room my whole life and survived.

The only moving day drama was that our queen sized box spring couldn't fit up the windy stairs in this 1920s house.  There was no way to get it in short of cutting it.  For the past three weeks it's been a mattress on the floor, or as I like to call it a "crack mattress".  Luckily we don't have a bedroom set that would be wasted so we got a bed frame that doesn't need a box spring, it's pretty fantastic.  It arrived yesterday an it was nice to not wake up on the floor.

There are still several boxes that need to be unpacked, the "oh shit, where are we going to put this crap" boxes but other than that we are setting in.  I hung pictures on the walls and it's rather cozy. 

I thought there would be a chance that maybe the new house would fix everything - we're home, we're out of our friends' basement, we're out of the army - but no.  He has been kinder to me, no recent outbursts to speak of but I am just waiting.  There are still the little things that are beyond frustrating, from the digs at me that kill my self esteem to his total lack of helping around the house.  He did not unpack one box, not one.  He's home all day but refuses to help with any house keeping and complains about what I do (or don't do).   I did hope things would change but at this point I am thinking that the ship has sailed.  I have checked out.

There are so many things that I don't share here, believe it or not I do keep somethings to myself, but it's so much more than trivial things that are killing this marriage.  I felt like such a fraud hanging up pictures of a smiling family when inside I haven't ever been so unhappy.

I would like to think that 2014 will make up for 2013 but I have a feeling that it's going to be the hardest year yet. 

Say Something....

I had a post about my mother all worked out in my head but then I heard this song and I can't shake it.


As I set up our family Christmas I can't help but wonder if it will be our last.

SAY SOMETHING!  Make me want to stay.  Acknowledge my fears.  Make me feel loved, wanted as a companion and not just a plaything.  Be the man you were.

Say anything...just something.

state of our union

Have I mentioned before that marriage is hard?  Well, if I haven't, marriage is hard. 

I am really trying to keep this blog from turning into a husband bashing page, I feel like my previous blog was going in that direction and I wasn't comfortable with that.  I also want to be truthful on here, we didn't move back to Massachusetts and leave all of our issues on the road.  I am trying to find the happy medium here.

While we are staying with other people everything is multiplied, we have no chance to be alone - ever.  Addie sleeps in our room and during the day there are 5 children running all over the place.  Last week we did make an effort to be kinder to each other, trying not to use harsh words and such but there are times we forget.

I am just so over so many things.  Him staying in bed all day when he's sick, I've been sick and still managed to take care of not only the kids but also him.  He will save up little things I do in some "things I can say to hurt you" bank and pile them on me when he really wants to break me.  He took the fact that 5 nights ago I didn't want to go out in the cold the night after I watched all five kids to get him some Motrin but I did go out after 7 on Black Friday for some night shopping personally.  The two have nothing to do with each other but he decided to tell me that I am a horrible person because I obviously picked Old Navy over him feeling better (when I went out the kids were already in bed and I asked him several times if he minded).  I know it makes no sense...I can't even wrap my mind around his logic. 

Last night he took these things and combined them with me turning a light on in the room where TC was sleeping and made sure I knew I was a bad mother.  So I gave him back some attitude and tried to explain how ridiculous he was being and he shot right over to me and got right in my face as I was changing Addie's diaper and yelled right into my ear.  I can't remember what he said - I was bracing for impact.  I thought for sure this was going to be the time he actually did it.  He did not hit me.

But it's not really him - my husband would never do this to me.  The guy who came back from his last deployment with a TBI, he's the guy who scares me.  It's getting to the point where I don't care what the reason - I am really starting to think about my options.  Something has got to give.  Something.  Maybe once we have a place of our own...maybe.

I just want to be happy again.