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Today we really needed a reboot after dealing with the VA yesterday, it just so happened that I had plans to take the girls apple picking with my sister and nephew so Will would have some time alone.  It was perfect timing really.  I have been wanting to take the kids apple picking since the moment I found out I was going to be a mom!  Growing up in New England it wasn't really fall without a trip to the orchard. 

We almost canceled today because it was supposed to rain but the rain held off and we had a great day.  TC woke up at 6AM asking if it was time to go to the farm yet - she was beyond excited.  We had a really great day, I took the girls to Target at 8AM because I just couldn't handle the thought of them apple picking without the proper fashionable boots!  We got home with just enough time to change and head out the door to meet my sister.  It was cool and overcast and kind of the perfect day for apple picking.  I couldn't have imagined a better mother daughters day.

Will got a few hours at home alone which is a Godsend when you spend the days listening to little girls scream all week. 

It was perfect.  Tomorrow starts a new week, here's hoping it can be smooth and productive.

Working For the Weekend

 
I survived my first full week back in an office environment.  My last job (selling insurance) was nothing like the typical 8-5 thing.  8-5ers go to work, make/file/count/whatever your widget then go home only to do it over again the next day and it's really not that bad.  My main job is super easy - like beyond easy but the reason I took it is because they want to use me in other capacities as well.

Currently I am the receptionist.  I spent over $100,000 on my college education and I answer the phone and sit behind the front desk.  I had to really get over myself to even entertain the idea of doing this but I could really use something low stress and well paying so I sent in my resume.  Finding a job after 4 years at home is not a walk in the park.  While interviewing we talked more about my marketing skills and past experience doing all but admin stuff more than anything else.  They also talked about other employees who have started in one department only to find that they would thrive in another...it was very promising. 

When it came to my salary requirements I wasn't shy.  I wasn't out of line in my request but I really didn't think I would get it.  They actually exceeded it!  Not by much but some.  Not that I would say "no" to boat loads of money but we are pretty modest in our lifestyle and if Will's CRSC (Combat Related Special Compensation) ever kicks in along with his current VA benefits we will be doing pretty well.  Maybe someday that education will be paid for...

After a day and a half I had gotten everything they asked of me down pat, (phones, scanning/filing, other mindless admin stuff) and was bored so they've already started thinking about what's next.  On Monday I will present my findings on which email blast software will be the best fit for us then we get to start playing with our email list!  This is the good stuff, and it's pretty new to me since I've never done business to business marketing.  I've also taken on some things from the purchasing department.  People seem surprised with how quickly I've picked things up - is answering the phone really that hard of a concept for people to grasp?

Either way I am excited to see where this will take me.  There has been talk of inside sales, the accounting department...even some mentions of creating a special projects position just for me!  We are one week in so I am not counting those chickens just yet but it feels good to know that 4 years of poop and mac & cheese hasn't turned my brain into poop and mac & cheese!

I Had No Idea How Hard This Would Be

By the time Will actually retired he had been injured for almost 4 years.  I thought I had a pretty good idea of how life would be.  We had good times, we had times so dark that I couldn't see the end of my nose but we seemed to deal with it fairly well.  That was 3,000 miles away from our reality.

Moving home has really highlighted Will's limitations.  Gone are the days that the four of us could hide away in our home sheltered from the world.  Now we have family obligations, work obligations, restless children and countless other things that need our attention on the other side of our front door.  The exposed side, where everyone can see you, where you can see everyone seeing you.  It's scary out there.

We have tried to be "normal" as much as possible, when that hasn't worked we tried to be our normal but the sad fact is that's not really working either.  I've mentioned it a few times on twitter, Will has had to pull out of plans that we've made.  I am running a charity run with The Red Sox Foundation to help raise money and awareness for TBI/PTSD called the Run To Home Base (please donate here is you can!) I was so excited and proud that he and the girls would be there to watch me cross home plate at Fenway Park at the end of the race but he wont be there.  The anxiety of being alone with the girls in public is just too much.  The thought of people looking at him and feeling sorry for him because of his injuries was just too much.  I understand this, I know he would be there if he could but he just can't.  It hurts my pride that he wont be there but it kills my heart that he can't be.  Being there or not is not a gauge on how much he loves me or how our marriage is.

In March we bought tickets to four Red Sox games, I was pretty excited since we used to go to the games all the time in Washington.  It was after a Sox game here in Boston in 2005 that he first told me that he loved me.  We went to our first game last month and it was nothing short of a disaster.  We had to drive into the city and pay $60 to park - in the past we would have take the train in but you can't put a guy with PTSD on the Green Line after a Sox game.

It was freezing that day and he is unable to regulate his body temp since his injury (we didn't know how bad this issue was until we got home - it was never an issue in the Arizona heat) and he was freezing for the 3 days following the game.  He was too anxious to enjoy the game, he couldn't even talk to me.  Now I am going to be taking friends to the remaining games.

He went to the pet store by himself, he was procrastinating leaving the house so I asked him what the problem was, he told me he was afraid to go alone.  The thought of having to talk to people paralyzed him with fear.  He was afraid to go buy fish, the man who ran into a bunker with a detonated explosive to retrieve the body of a working dog because you don't leave a fallen Ranger was afraid to talk to a 17 year old girl about buying fish.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Life is certainly different since retiring.  I knew it would be hard, I even knew it would be harder but I didn't know it would be this much harder.  I am scared that I am getting lost in it all.  Other than my job it's all about him - everything.  I miss me.