Saturday, August 23, 2014

Date? That's a Fruit Right?

I am getting more and more frustrated with our lack of dates.  We still haven't had one since 2010...February 2010.  We now live close to family and have a cousin of Will's 1.5 miles away willing to sit but still nothing.  Today he made me choose between going to the zoo with the girls are going out with him tonight because he didn't think he would be able to handle both.

I've never seen Sophie's Choice but I imagine it had something to do with a similar decision. 

Here is a picture of me and the girls at the zoo.

I am beyond frustrated.  8 months ago we were on the verge of a split, it is way overdue that we put us first.  The best part of all of this is talking about it without making it seem like I am attacking him or downplaying his anxiety but the fact is that I have it too.  My triggers are different but they are still very real and feeling like I am worth at least attempting a night out would do a lot to help me. 

I want to get pretty and go somewhere with just my husband and, for one night, be a normal couple.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Another Generation at Fenway

 18 years ago my father took me to Fenway Park for my first Red Sox game.  I remember getting lost all over the city, my dad had the worst sense of direction in the history of men to ever roam the earth and when combined with the nonsensical way in which Boston is mapped out we didn’t stand a chance.  Luckily there was a rain delay and we didn’t miss much of the game – in fact we were so late that the parking lot attendant put us right in front just outside of the gates.  I remember that we lost that game but that didn't matter. 

I don’t remember the score or even who we played but I do remember the important things.  I remember walking up the ramp and seeing a sea of green grass.  I remember my dad finding our seats after grabbing a Fenway Frank.  I remember the sounds of the park and the smell of the food.  I remember that I had a night with just my dad at a place he loved to visit with his dad.  With 5 teenagers in one house it wasn’t often I had much one on one time but a week after the shocking realization that I had never been to Fenway my dad took me.  I don’t think a 16 year old was ever so happy to spend an evening with her father.

On Sunday afternoon I took TC to her first game at Fenway Park.  At four years old she didn’t have the same appreciation for the game as I did but I never expected that from her.  She loved to train ride into the city, she spent the entire time looking out the window and she didn’t even notice that we were packed in there like sardines.  She was full of questions about the stops and the animals that may live in the tunnels.  She was so excited to eat a snack while riding the train.  She was amazed by the tall buildings and wanted to go in and explore each one.

When we got to the park first order of business was to get her a t-shirt at the Yawkey Way Store, she wanted one with the number 12 on the back but settled for a giant “B”.  When we finally made it into the actual park all she wanted was ice cream so we grabbed some and then made our way to our seats.  She didn’t understand why we couldn’t just sit wherever we wanted but after climbing the stairs and finding our row she was finally able to turn around and take it all in.  I don’t know just how she felt when she saw what was going on around her but her face was perfect.  It looked like she was in awe.

There were a few tense moments, she didn’t understand why she wasn’t given a uniform and allowed to take her turn swinging the bat.  She was more than pissed about that even though I told her several times on the way there that we were not going to play.  The game was a total blowout and not in the Red Sox's favor so the energy that I was hoping would keep her entertained just wasn’t there and we only last 3.5 innings but that was just enough for her.  She got to clap, and dance and yell “go team, go!”.  We walked a few blocks to Kenmore Station and waited for the Green Line to take us back to our car.  She was excited to get back on the train and as we waited she leaned over to me and said “this was the best day I ever had.”  And that, my friends, is what it is all about.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Working For the Weekend

I survived my first full week back in an office environment.  My last job (selling insurance) was nothing like the typical 8-5 thing.  8-5ers go to work, make/file/count/whatever your widget then go home only to do it over again the next day and it's really not that bad.  My main job is super easy - like beyond easy but the reason I took it is because they want to use me in other capacities as well.

Currently I am the receptionist.  I spent over $100,000 on my college education and I answer the phone and sit behind the front desk.  I had to really get over myself to even entertain the idea of doing this but I could really use something low stress and well paying so I sent in my resume.  Finding a job after 4 years at home is not a walk in the park.  While interviewing we talked more about my marketing skills and past experience doing all but admin stuff more than anything else.  They also talked about other employees who have started in one department only to find that they would thrive in was very promising. 

When it came to my salary requirements I wasn't shy.  I wasn't out of line in my request but I really didn't think I would get it.  They actually exceeded it!  Not by much but some.  Not that I would say "no" to boat loads of money but we are pretty modest in our lifestyle and if Will's CRSC (Combat Related Special Compensation) ever kicks in along with his current VA benefits we will be doing pretty well.  Maybe someday that education will be paid for...

After a day and a half I had gotten everything they asked of me down pat, (phones, scanning/filing, other mindless admin stuff) and was bored so they've already started thinking about what's next.  On Monday I will present my findings on which email blast software will be the best fit for us then we get to start playing with our email list!  This is the good stuff, and it's pretty new to me since I've never done business to business marketing.  I've also taken on some things from the purchasing department.  People seem surprised with how quickly I've picked things up - is answering the phone really that hard of a concept for people to grasp?

Either way I am excited to see where this will take me.  There has been talk of inside sales, the accounting department...even some mentions of creating a special projects position just for me!  We are one week in so I am not counting those chickens just yet but it feels good to know that 4 years of poop and mac & cheese hasn't turned my brain into poop and mac & cheese!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

That Could Have Been...

When we hear that someone dies, someone we don't know, we still get sad.  We feel for their family and friends.  When a celebrity dies we may feel that they had some small impact on our lives, we may even miss that impact in the future.  We are still sad and feel for their friends and family.  Yesterday, when we all learned about the death of Robin Williams many of the people I know felt something greater than the passing sadness for someone we will never know.  We felt a profound loss, a gut punch.  Not only that he was gone but that he was gone by his own doing.

Someone who brought us laughter for much if not all of our lives was fighting such depression that he felt he could fight no more.  My personal go to funny guy when I needed a funny guy did all of that all while hiding his true feelings.  I am sure others could see the sadness in his eyes at times, we all knew about his struggles with substance abuse in the past but we are talking about a magical genie here!  If anyone could "get over it" he could, right?

I think what had many of us in disbelief was the name that popped into our heads after everything sunk it.  I can't be alone in saying that after I caught my breath from the initial shock I thought, "wow that could have been _____".  The person in our lives who may do their best to be the life of the party, who may just ooze love and warmth, and the person who always seems to have that twinge of sadness in their eye.  This could have easily been them.

Many of us know people who are struggling.  We don't quite know what to say to them - we are afraid to trigger something or even to just sound stupid.  We worry but not think there is anything we can really do - beside, they always seem happy...

This was a 63 year old man, a husband and a father.  A genie, an alien, a teacher, a cross dresser...this was Peter Pan, Peter fucking Pan! And now he's gone.  If all of these people who brought laughter and hope into our lives could do this that anyone could.

I think that is why it hits so close to home.  If you're like me and a name or two popped into your head  when you heard the news and you haven't already done so, pick up the phone.  Just to say "hi, I care" it could make all the difference.

And as you go about your life remember these important words:

Thanks you R.W. your work helped shape me into the person I am today.

Monday, August 11, 2014

In Dreams

Addie was just crying in her sleep, I went in to calm her before she actually woke up.  She was quickly back in dreamland while I stared at her little face.

When my girls are sleeping their faces transform to the faces of those newborn babies I would spend hours staring at years ago.

A sleeping TC at two months.

A two week old Addie.
I pray that it some of that crazy mother voodoo craziness that makes this happen.  I pray that even when they are teenagers and I catch them in a deep sleep that all I can see are these squishy faces dreaming the dreams that know no limits.

Friday, August 8, 2014

So Many Changes!

These past few weeks life has pretty much turned me on my head - it a good way!  I really want to get back to regular posting so I will just give you the Cliff's Notes version (bullets - you love them stop rolling your eyes):
  • The job I was going to try to stick out and see where it was going to take me - well after 2 days of trying to convince myself that sticking to it was the best choice it almost took me back to the doctor for some anxiety meds.  No job is worth me medicating myself to keep!  So I quit.  
  • I interviewed, second interviewed, and was hired for a new job all in 4 days.  It seemed perfect that an opportunity that suited me (and for which I am suited) came across my computer screen just when I needed.  I start on Monday.
  • I cut all my hair off - I mean ALL of my hair.  Nine inches ready to be sent off to Pantene for donation.  Oh and I'm blond again, with all my grays I had to do something and I've always felt more me blond.
Bill Murray seems impressed.
  • I turned 34 yesterday!  34, it doesn't seem possible.  As a kid that was pretty much ancient.  I have no idea how 34 should feel I am pretty sure I don't feel it.  That has to be a good thing right?  I have no idea, but starting my 35th year with a new job, back in my home state, with 2 amazing kids and a marriage that is still a work in progress be better than it's been in years feels pretty amazing. 
  • I finally have an ass - I know it seems silly but I been working hard at the gym squatting a lunging and lifting (oh my).  While my running hasn't been happening much I am getting stronger every week and it feels good.
  • Moses was sprayed by a skunk.  Not really news worthy but it happened a few days ago and it really sucked (and still kind of smells). 
So there it is.  Now that I will be on a schedule (office 8-5 daily) I know that I will get back to my little corner of the internet much more often.