Sunday, January 26, 2014

Fitness Update - Jamming Out!

1/18 1 miles 8:53 pace & weights
1/19 rest!
1/20 3 miles 9:26 pace
1/21 4.3 miles 9:28 pace
1/22 weights
1/23 3.1 miles 9:34 pace
1/24 2 miles 8:50 pace & weights
1/25 rest!
1/26 3 miles 9:38 pace

16.4 miles for the week
49.2 miles for the month

I love music, I am pretty sure that I came out of the womb singing out of tune.  My workout play list is so important to me.  For a while it was all house and techno music that got me going, anything with a beat then after some time it was 80s rock but today I am finding the most random mix of songs is making me want to work harder.

Right now on my shuffle I can go from We Like To Party (Venga Boys) to Work Bitch (Britney Spears) to We Didn't Start The Fire (Billy Joel) to The Whisper Song (Ying Yang Twins) to Hey Girl (O.A.R.) to She's So Heavy (The Beatles).  I get a sick pleasures out of knowing that I am listening to a wildly inappropriate Lil Kim song while running on the treadmill next to a 50 year old lady in sweatpants power walking, it adds a little spring to my step.  The Beatles has never been a top choice for working out but She's So Heavy is just so damn sexy.  "I want you, I want you so bad it's driving me mad..." over and over and over's sexy and while working out I may be a sweaty mess with of Olive Oil-ish top knot on my head but I feel sexy.  (And Abbey Road will always have a special place in my heart, so that helps too.)

I guess the point of this is to find what works for you.  One of the reasons I love to work out is because I know I can listen to the craziest shit and no one can say anything about it.  It gives me another reason to look forward to the gym even when I would much rather sit my ass on the couch. 

So that's that, to me the music counts.  If you're having a problem with motivation take some time and make a kick ass mix of songs you love for all different reasons - maybe that will help out, as for me, I think it's time to add some DMX and more Bob Dylan to that iPod...

Monday, January 20, 2014

On The Go

In Yuma I was a hermit.  I even stopped going to MOPS and story time after a while for many reasons.  Basically we didn't leave the house.  We spent a lot of time in the yard in the pool when it was cool enough and we played inside a lot.  Now that we are home all of that has changed, we are on the go!  Between play dates and interviews and 5-6 trips to the gym a week it seems like something is always going on. 

When I took this calendar out of the box it was marked for December 2012!  I hadn't needed to update it since then because we didn't do anything!  Now I even have Will checking the calendar every day to see what I am up to.  I love it, I love doing something and having my kids play with other kids, I especially love being able to get out of the house on my own!  I might not see my family all the time but just knowing that they are down the road and a phone call away from a play date is very comforting.

Hopefully I will have a job soon so all of this will change but even then I will have a different calendar filled with things just for me and my work!  This, my friends, is one of the best parts about life after the army.  It really makes me smile.  

Friday, January 17, 2014

Fitness Update

Oh boy, not only am I back on the horse (OK, treadmill) but I am back swinging and damn it feels good.  I joined the gym on January 2 and here is what I have done since then

1/02 - 1.52 miles 9:35 pace (and man, it sucked!)
1/03 - 2.86 miles 11:11 pace(intervals of hell, fast running/incline walking)
1/05 - 2.00 miles 9:58 pace
1/06 - 3.10 miles 9:49 pace
1/07 - 3.10 miles 9:45 pace
1/09 - 3.00 miles 9:29 pace
1/10 - 3.05 miles 9:50 pace & weights
1/12 - 3.00 miles 9:45 pace
1/13 - 2.00 miles 9:06 pace & weights
1/14 - 3.50 miles 9:49 pace
1/16 - 1.50 miles 8:43 pace & weights
1/17 - 4.25 miles 9:37 pace!! 
Total - 32.88

Getting back into it after taking a few months off was not as hard as I thought it would be.  It helps that I didn't gain weight while I was sitting on my ass but just as listening to my body and changing up the pace has.  I've been using a random incline on the treadmill to try to at least pretend that I am running outside, just a few more months until I am back out there for real.

Today's run really surprised me, I knew I wanted to try for 4 miles but I thought I would cheese out and quit but as I kept going I felt really good and not only left the incline on but also kept upping my speed!  I know I could have gone at least 5 if I had left it at the original pace but I am trying to be careful about overdoing it.

I took some before pictures of my stretch marked abdomen, I don't know if I will ever publish them on here.  I know I should be one of those empowered "tiger stripe" women but I'm not.  I am embarrassed and really sad about it.  Perhaps if I had more positive support at home but I am constantly called Skeletor and when I was excitedly talking about my run today my wonderful husband said "talk to me when you have your pace under 6 minutes".  Sure it was a joke but a mean one.  But this is not about those issues...I am beyond excited about how things have gone these first few weeks. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

When Mom Is NOT a Morning Person

My kids are full of spunk and charisma from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep.  Sounds fun doesn't it, constant entertainment and a house full of gleeful giggles and shrieks of joy?  For the most part it's great but around the breakfast table before 7AM (sometimes before 6) it makes me want to pull my hair out on strand at a time. 

I don't do well with mornings.  I never have but have always tried.  Growing up there were 7 of us in one house with one bathroom, as a blended family all my siblings and I were teenagers at the same time and for one year we were all in high school together.  I had to be up for my 5:40 shower time, missing it meant missing a shower so I did it, everyday.  That did nothing to prepare me for a lifetime of early wake ups.  Somethings can not be taught, some people are just not morning people.

TC was great, sleeping until 7 or 8AM then waking up quietly and all smiles, happy to eat whatever I put in front of her (obviously homemade and organic because she was my first and I was striving to be mom of the year).  We giggled and chatted as we ate and I cleaned up the kitchen.  It was my favorite time of day. 

Addie, oh my little Addie - she has declared war on sleep.  She is up during the night and no matter what time we put her to sleep she is up bright and early.  Recently it has been before 5, in our last house when she did this I would just let her stay in her room but now that she and TC are sharing if I do that I will have 2 kids up, not just one.  So I get up...half a sleep and start the day.  It wouldn't be that bad if I had the ability to fall asleep early but I do not.  When she wakes up she's a screamer, she screams when she's happy, she screams when she's pissed, she's screams when her sister eggs her on (which is almost all the time).

I spend most of breakfast telling them to stop screaming and to eat, over and over and over again.  Will is sleeping because he never comes to bed before 2, I don't want them to wake him up because than he will spend the day sleeping on the couch.  So they scream, literally at the top of their lungs while I tell them to stop, trying to down my coffee as fast as possible.  Each moment what little  patience I have is chipped away at until I start to yell.  Almost every day.  I have tried everything, I don't want to start my day yelling but I can't start my day with them screaming and fighting, and they have to eat.  If they would just sleep a until a reasonable time I would be fine.  Wake me up at 7 and I am a happy girl but a minute before and it takes hours to recover. 

I wrestle with this everyday.  I do not want to be the mom who yells but when it's the only thing that works you stick to it.  They are over any conflict by the time the Nutella jar is returned back to the pantry but I am still wired and shaken from the breakfast battle for most of the morning.  I really hope this phase is over soon, I hate that I dread getting my kids out of bed every morning. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


I met with a trainer at the gym today, you know the initial meeting that comes with joining, and it was really good.  I worked out before so I couldn't get the physical assessment but that's alright, I will get that done soon - I really have no desire to know my actual body fat percentage.  When he asked my goals I told him my first was to run a half marathon in October but my overall goal is to just be fit, not "skinny fat".

I lost a pretty good amount of weight (30+ lbs) and I did it quickly, that is all great but just like when you throw on a size large t-shirt when you are now wearing a small it kind of just hangs there, that's how I feel about my skin.  It may look alright in a few places but for the most part it's kind of slouchy, that is how I feel about some of my belly.  I was 187 when I gave birth to TC, the biggest I've ever been and the most my skin has been stretched.  Now I am 123 and there just isn't enough to fill everything out.

Around 39 weeks with TC and early December 2013.

In my clothes I look great, I feel great in them but out of my clothes...ugh.  Once the weight was gone my stretchmarks became more obvious and discouraging.  I compared my lower belly to corduroy when I bend over, it's loose with deep ridges, it makes me so sad.  I'm 33 and the elastically oh my skin just isn't what it used to be and even if it did go all the way back there would still be the rigid stretch marks.  I know, I know, I have 2 beautiful daughters to show for my "tiger stripe" (blah) - I am not saying i would give up my girls for a tight belly but I am still allowed to feel discouraged.  After talking to the trainer I am feeling optimistic, I might not be able to deflate the skin but I can try to fill it with something else, like killer abs!

So my fitness goals are set, and attainable.  I know I can do it, I just have to DO it like I did over the summer.  Losing weight wasn't easy but it was simple - know what you have to do and actually do it.  I love having this control, I have total control over what I put into and expect out of my body.  I will make it strong, I will make it something to be proud of.  I will be healthy for my daughters.

I will squat many, many times.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Worst Part of Fighting

It's hard to actually admit to someone that you're unhappy, especially to someone that you really do love.  What's harder that admitting this is hearing "just leave then" when all you really need to hear is "what can I do?".

Things aren't really all bad here, I promise.  My girls are wonderful and for the most part Will and I get along pretty well, as well as any roommates who both enjoy sports and 90s alt rock.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Oh You're Wise Lloyd Dobbler

One of my favorite all time movies is Say Anything a Cameron Crow high school romance movie from 1989, if you haven't seen in stop reading and go watch it, you wont be disappointed.  One of the best lines in the movie is the main character Lloyd Dobbler talking to his sister who has become pretty miserable after being left with a kid of her own and looking after her little brother while their parents have PCSed to Germany.  

"Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"

That's my plan.  I will be in a good mood!  I know it's not as easy as it sounds, I have tried before but at this point in life it needs to happen.  I am becoming a bitter, miserable bitch and that is not at all who I want to be.  There are some things in life that I have no control over but how I see the world and how I interact with the people in it are 100% within my control.  I don't want to have the "sad eyes" that I've been told I have recently (more than once - ouch).

I know that it really isn't as easy as just deciding to be in a good mood, it's a lot of work to actually be happy but that's the plan.  Step one is to start running again.  I tried to be a winter runner but I am a wimp and winter in New England is no joke, it is 16ยบ outside my door - screw that!  I need to join a gym and there happens to be a 24 hour fitness down the street.  Just sucks that I am deciding this on January 1st, that place will be a mad house until February when all the resolutioners fall off the wagon onto an ice cream truck.

Next up I will try to get more sleep, currently I am in bed at 11:30 and usually not asleep until midnight and I am up just before 6 when Addie wakes up.  6 hours is not enough, especially when dealing with two strong willed little girls.  (They kind of hate each other at the moment.)  I will try to be in my bed by 10.

Next up is VERY important to me and my future plans, get a job.  I need to feel like I have control over my future and right now I have none.  As a stay at home mom/kind of care giver for the past 4 years I have be 100% dependent on Will.  That needs to stop, I need to know that I can take care of myself and take care of my girls.  While I don't want to leave my girls every day I would love for them to see that I can go out and earn a paycheck too, just a reminder that they can do whatever they want - stay home with a family if that is their choice or work outside of the home.  This job thing will be the hardest, the market isn't great and I've been out of work for four years but hopefully I will find something perfect. 

Once again I am reminded to:

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile (source)