Tuesday, March 31, 2015

My "Getup"

On second thought it’s not OK.  How do you like that?  It is not OK to comment on how I look at work.  Yesterday it was the dude basically saying I looked like shit by saying I looked like a Monday and today it was one of the shop guys saying my dress was “quite the getup”.  I can’t win.

My office is casual, we can wear jeans and sneakers if we want.  I took full advantage of that all winter wearing jeans and boots almost exclusively for a few months.  Now that we are warming up I am ready to start dressing more like myself and myself likes to wear dresses.  Dresses are great; you don’t have to think hard about getting dressed, there is nothing to match and the best part, NO PANTS!  Toss on a dress and you’re done.  Also, as the receptionist I am the face of the company, I do my best to represent it as best as I can and being a bit more dressed up than someone cutting metal all day helps.

I am not saying I dress to necessarily impress at work but I wear what I am comfortable wearing.  This is my dress today, pretty modest really (sorry it’s blurry but I didn’t think I would even be using this picture).
I have about 20 dresses that I will be wearing all summer all pretty similar to this in terms of length and some may even (gasp) be sleeveless!   Am I going to have to worry about hearing comments every time I come to work? 

It’s one thing to say “nice dress” or “I like that tie” or whatever but “quite the getup” has a different,  sexy, tone to it.  At first I blew it off because he’s from the shop and they talk back there like they talk in a sports bar but I wasn’t in the shop, I was at my desk doing my job.  For a moment he made me feel bad about myself and doubt myself and that’s not OK.  

I know I am being a little dramatic, this isn’t even something that warrants a note to HR – if it happens more than yes, of course, but right now it’s just something that made me feel like shit.  After yesterday being made to feel so ugly and then today being made to feel like some kind of temptress I just don’t even know anymore.  But I know that it doesn’t matter if he works in the shop, delivers or rugs or runs the whole damn place it’s not alright to make comments to me about how I’m dressed just because I’m a woman.  It is never OK.

Monday, March 30, 2015

I Look Like Monday?

This morning the Cintas guy who swaps our out dirty rugs and warehouse uniforms for clean ones saw me at my desk and proclaimed  “Looks like you’re having a Monday!”.  Ouch.  I admit, my hair isn’t done, I pulled it up and hoped to hide the bit of conditioner I left in there from Sunday morning’s deep conditioning.  My sweater is a little old but not the dingiest thing I have seen in the office today.   I have bags under my eyes as I haven’t been able to sleep well this past week, sleeping next to someone with a TBI can be a bit of a challenge.  I did put on makeup and even curled my eyelashes in an attempt to look put together but apparently it failed. 

I had every intention of washing and blowing out my hair this morning.  I was down stairs and heading for the shower when a little voice came up behind me.  This little voice was that of my very proud 3 year old who does things on her own schedule.  She woke up dry and ready to use the potty.  I was beyond happy for her, I knew she could do it but she just needed to confidence to try.  So instead of getting in the shower and readying myself for the day I made French toast per the request of the little girl in dry Olaf undies. 

I wasn’t home the first time she went #2 in the potty.  I miss all the mid-morning dace offs (a tradition I started, for the record).  I am not the keeper of the peanut butter at lunch time but I was the one to hug her and celebrate with her on her fist successful attempt of a diaperless night.  If that kid wanted French toast you bet your ass she was getting it and maybe that left me with no time to be the dressed up version of myself that I usually am at work but I don’t care.  You may think I look like a Monday but I feel like a Friday afternoon.  It was a big morning at our house and I was there to celebrate. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Mixing It Up!

Yesterday I did something I have been wanting to do since I started this job last August.  I haven’t done it because I felt it was selfish and unfair of me to even suggest but I finally requested that we give it a try.  I am so glad I did because I think it is the start of something really good for me. 

I went straight from work to the gym.

I know, what’s the big deal?  For me it is a big deal.  I hate being away from home all day and I rush out the door at the tick of 5:00 to get to my family.  I know by the time I roll in at 5:30 Will is spent and ready for some down time and I get that – that was my life for 4.5 years.  I finally asked if he would mind me getting a short workout in after work and he is so focused on my wellbeing he didn’t even bat an eye.  It feels so good to have someone who does everything he can to put me first.  I got to the gym around 5:30, changed out of my heels and hopped on the treadmill (and bonus, Friends is on at 5:30!). 

I got a pretty good run in then stopped at the market next door to grab something for dinner and was home by 6:15.  The girls didn’t even notice the extra time I was gone and when I got home I was actually fun to be around.  The girls were feeding off my post workout high and their normally horrifying pre bedtime behavior gave way to my sweet girls.  If I keep this up I will spend less time with them but the time we do spend together will be much better.  It’s quality of quantity right?

I do have to be careful about this.  Some days are really hard for Will to just function and he’s not always forthcoming about the head days.  It’s so weird the way his TBI sneaks its way into every little bit of our lives.  Bad head days are no joke and I am always on the lookout for signs that he’s hurting, those days he comes first, always.

But bottom line is that I took some time out for myself, to do what I thought to be super selfish but it turned out to be really good for me as a mom.  Here’s hoping this can keep up because I miss running and working out but doing it after 8PM just wasn’t happening. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

They Want to Talk About Death So We'll Talk About Death

The past few days the girls have been asking me about death.


We’ve talked about it before but no one they are close to has died, which isn’t a surprise since they are 5 & 3.  They understand that when your heart stops beating you die (hey they asked and that is all I could say on the spot!).  They also know that the people you love are sad.  From what they’ve seen in Disney movies it looks like you’re sleeping and they know you don’t come back. 

They know my dad is dead and in heaven.  They know good people go to heaven with Jesus.  We haven’t talked about what happens to bad people.  They know we can’t go visit heaven, they asked.  That one almost broke my heart – they wanted me to see my dad. 

Addie declared yesterday that she is afraid to die and she doesn’t want to.  TC would like to know exactly when she is going to die.  I was not at all prepared for this.  I told them that death is a part of life and everyone who has ever been alive will someday die but we don’t have any idea when that will be and hopefully we won’t have to worry about it for a long long time.

I made sure not to make any promises.  We have no idea what the future will bring.  I can’t promise that I will be here tomorrow.  As much as I wish I had the power to keep them both alive and well for the next century there is only so much I can do.  I didn’t promise that we will all be alive for any certain amount of time.  Big Hero Six seems to be the movie that has really brought this topic up, I think it’s an important conversation to have with young kids as life is unpredictable but it’s not easy.

I talked about it before but I have a very real fear that I will die young leaving my girls motherless.  I wish I could push these thoughts away but they linger.  It’s not that I live my life in fear, I will drive on the highway, visit big cities, swim in the ocean…but I fear that something will take me from them.  Some days the fear is so great that it literally takes my breath away.  Obviously I don’t share this fear with the girls, we talk about death when necessary (when they have questions, when they ask about someone who died and such) but we don’t go out of our way. 

I didn’t think 20 years of my life was a short time when my dad died.  I was lucky to have him for 20 years but now as I am getting older I am realizing that 20 years was nothing, hell he’s already been gone for 14 years.  He didn’t know my husband, my kids, me as a grown up…I want way more than 20 years with my girls.  I have big plans!  I don’t know why I have these fears but I do.  I sincerely hope that when I talk about death with the girls they don’t hear my fear.  I hope I can be as honest with them as they need.  I hope that they can go many more years without truly knowing the pain that comes with losing someone they love.

What do you say when your kids start asking questions about death that you just can’t answer?

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

I’m Sorry I Keep Us From Things

“I’m sorry I keep us from things.”

Will said this on Saturday night.  I can’t even remember what we were talking about – it wasn’t important.  When I think about this little blog just sitting here collecting dust I often have no idea what to tell you folks, my life is just like yours.  I wake up, shower (most days), feed the kids, go to work, come home, eat, hangout with the kids, bedtime kisses, gym, bed.  Seriously, nothing spectacular.  There are no major daily events that say “hey world, we’re a TBI family!”.  For the most part our little routine has fit in his TBI so well that it just is.

There are some things in our world that are nowhere close to normal but we’ve adapted so well that it seems normal.  On Twitter I’ve talked about The Zac Brown Band playing at Fenway on my birthday – sounds like a perfect date night!  I’m turning 35, I would love nothing more than to celebrate that with my husband in my happy place listening to good music.  I asked him to think about going – I gave him a few days to decide if it would be too much for him.  Ultimately he decided against it.  Concerts are out for the foreseeable future, the crowds, the loud music, the loss of control.  It just isn’t something that he can even think about without anxiety.  Sure I was bummed, he’s my first choice date for everything but after I had my brief “woe is me” moment I asked if he would mind if I went anyway, he doesn’t mind at all. 

This is why this works.  THIS, this team we’ve created.  For so long it was him & his TBI against me.  It almost broke us. 

It’s OK for me to take a moment to be a little pissed about some of this.  It’s not fair that things have changed so much.  It’s not fair that he lives with so much pain and anxiety.  None of this is fair but that life.  We take our moments to be pissed them it’s over.

But I don't really think he keeps us from anything, we just do things differently now.  Like I've always said when things get hard - he came home.  I might wish he could do what he used to do but I am just lucky to have him at all, he came home. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Little Moments

Addie wouldn't sleep last night, we could hear her in there talking to her stuffed animals.  She's at a point where she still kind of needs a nap but doesn't sleep well at night.  This on top of how impossible a three year old can be is not much fun.  We admitted defeat last night and let her hang out with us while we watched The Voice.

She was calm, she let me cut her nails.  When I was done she was looking at my nails and fingers and demanded to see my rings.  She loves my rings.  Because she was so calm I decided to let her try them on, she had them resting on her index finger looking at them and said "I am going to marry for you Momma".  I told her that would be very sad for Daddy because I'm married to him. 

"Daddy can marry Moses."

It was decided last night that Addie wants to marry me and she thinks Will should marry the dog.  Ha!

I know it sounds weird to people who may not have kids when parents talk about their kids wanting to marry them but to me it is the biggest compliment.  They are starting to understand that Will and I chose each other, we love each other so much that we decided to be together.  When my girls talk about marrying me or each other I just take that to mean they love that person so much that if they could they would choose to spend forever with them. 

What is sweeter than that?