As I read through everyone’s Easter recaps and scrolled through the smiling faces on my Facebook feed I needed to remind myself that my journey isn’t going to look like your journey. Every family has its quirks. We had a perfectly lovely Easter. The girls enjoyed coloring eggs, did not enjoy eating them. They were super excited for their baskets and new basketball hoop. They got to play with their cousins and have an egg hunt at their grandma’s house. What they didn’t get to do was spend the day with their father. His head prevented him from joining us on the trip to my stepmother’s house.
Looking back at last week I am not surprised. I should have known but sometimes I forget that we aren’t a “normal” family and I let go of some of my self-preservation techniques. Last week was just a crappy week; work was really getting to me, I was really missing my girls, I had a minor car accident that left me hurting all week and some unthinkable things affected people I love. I was in more than a funk, I was in a depression. I tried to hide it but I couldn’t so I tried to talk to Will about it. I knew I shouldn’t have, when I am having a hard time with how our life has played out he has a hard time understanding that it’s not his fault. When I really just need to vent and cry and be told that things will be OK I usually end up having to reassure him and I am left worse off than before. It’s not his fault – I know this and I am not mad at him for it but it is so frustrating.
I don’t want to keep things from my husband, I love him and want to share everything with him but at the same time I want to protect him. My unloading on him made him upset and stressed and with the anxiety of a large Easter gathering hanging over his head his body reacted. 5 years after his accident he started experiencing a “concussion headache”. He has several different types of headaches and having never had any of them I can’t really talk about them but he said he felt as if he had just gotten the head injury. Because of this he knew that he would be able to handle a loud house full of people, so that is why we spent Easter apart.
He was there for the girls’ baskets and when we got home he heard all about their day but he wasn’t there. I had a great time with my family and it was nice to not have to worry about how he was doing with my family but I would have rather of had him there.