Sunday, December 1, 2013

state of our union

Have I mentioned before that marriage is hard?  Well, if I haven't, marriage is hard. 

I am really trying to keep this blog from turning into a husband bashing page, I feel like my previous blog was going in that direction and I wasn't comfortable with that.  I also want to be truthful on here, we didn't move back to Massachusetts and leave all of our issues on the road.  I am trying to find the happy medium here.

While we are staying with other people everything is multiplied, we have no chance to be alone - ever.  Addie sleeps in our room and during the day there are 5 children running all over the place.  Last week we did make an effort to be kinder to each other, trying not to use harsh words and such but there are times we forget.

I am just so over so many things.  Him staying in bed all day when he's sick, I've been sick and still managed to take care of not only the kids but also him.  He will save up little things I do in some "things I can say to hurt you" bank and pile them on me when he really wants to break me.  He took the fact that 5 nights ago I didn't want to go out in the cold the night after I watched all five kids to get him some Motrin but I did go out after 7 on Black Friday for some night shopping personally.  The two have nothing to do with each other but he decided to tell me that I am a horrible person because I obviously picked Old Navy over him feeling better (when I went out the kids were already in bed and I asked him several times if he minded).  I know it makes no sense...I can't even wrap my mind around his logic. 

Last night he took these things and combined them with me turning a light on in the room where TC was sleeping and made sure I knew I was a bad mother.  So I gave him back some attitude and tried to explain how ridiculous he was being and he shot right over to me and got right in my face as I was changing Addie's diaper and yelled right into my ear.  I can't remember what he said - I was bracing for impact.  I thought for sure this was going to be the time he actually did it.  He did not hit me.

But it's not really him - my husband would never do this to me.  The guy who came back from his last deployment with a TBI, he's the guy who scares me.  It's getting to the point where I don't care what the reason - I am really starting to think about my options.  Something has got to give.  Something.  Maybe once we have a place of our own...maybe.

I just want to be happy again.

2 comments:

  1. "It's getting to the point where I don't care what the reason - I am really starting to think about my options. Something has got to give. Something. Maybe once we have a place of our own...maybe.

    I just want to be happy again."
    You deserve to be happy... and just as importantly, your girls deserve to see a healthy relationship - they will allow a man to treat them the way they see him treat you. (you've said that before, and it struck me - you're so right).
    You're right, something has got to give - and it shouldn't be you anymore...
    I am praying that once you're in your own place, things will get less stressful and you'll be able to work on things.
    But I think you're being smart to think about your options. Just thinking will prepare you... in that case....
    You know I pray that you can work it out - but I will be here whichever road you take.
    I once told my sister - "You know, it doesn't HAVE to be like this" she tells me to this day that she really needed to hear that, because up until that point, she didn't realize that she could be happy. She said she felt stuck - very stuck. She also thought for sure he would never ACTUALLY hit her... until he did. And then it just because routine, where she convinced herself it wasn't actually abuse and she had just pissed him off enough so it was "kind of her fault". And, now, almost 4 years later - she is happy (at least in her relationship - other parts of her life aren't the greatest, but even all of that seems a bit easier with his support).
    Something needs to remind him that you don't deserve this - you didn't choose this life either, but you're making the best of it! And, it sounds like he is taking it for granted that you'll stay through whatever he puts you through - but you don't have to.
    I'm here for you no matter what you decide and I support you either way - I can't imagine the emotional toll this all takes but I pray for you a lot.
    I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, I have a quick question I wanted to ask you about your blog, do you think you could send me an email when you get this? Thanks! Tiffany
    tpham(at)dropcam(dot)com

    ReplyDelete