Saturday, December 28, 2013

sometimes there are no reasons

When I was younger I was all about "everything happens for a reason" then things started happening.

I don't believe that everything has a reason.  Some things just happen and it sucks.  I am not saying they don't happen according to God's master plan for us and maybe that in itself can be called the reason but that is a different story for a different day.

After Will was hurt I tried for the longest time to think of a reason, perhaps had the accident not have happened they would have been ambushed or hit an IED...but maybe they would have made it safely to the target and killed the bad guys as planned.  Some nights grasping at straws helps but not most.

Just a few days after we moved home we went to his church, it is his childhood church where his grandparents go and where everyone knows him.  One woman, I've met her a few times before years ago, came up to me and looked right into my eyes and said, "we pray for Billy every week, just know that everything happens for a reason - it is so good to have you all back home".  It was like a punch in the gut.  It took everything I had to stand there and smile and mutter "yup" before I flipped my shit.

Someone please tell me the reason - the real reason that some idiot rolled over a vehicle and in the processed ruined my husband.  The moment that butt of a weapon hit him in the face he was forever changed.  Please tell me the reason that he can't remember our kids being born or his way home from work.  There has to be a reason that so jerk can't drive and my marriage fell apart.  Why I am afraid of him when I know he's in a mood and I have pissed him off.  Everything happens for a reason?  I don't know the man I married and many days I don't want to.  Please - please - tell me the reason, I am just dieing to know.

Yesterday an amazing man, a loving husband and father of three, was taken from his family in a horrific accident.  What is the reason for this?  Tell me a reason why three young boys had to stand there an watch as their father crashed into the ground doing something that he has done thousands of times never to say he loves them again?  This man would take the shirt off of his back for you and, from what I hear, was one hell of a Ranger when it came time to fight.  He bent over backwards for Will and me when we needed help getting out of the Yuma quicksand and just like that he's gone.  Gone.  There is no reason for this, there is no lesson to be learned, no other life to be saved...there is nothing but hurt and sorrow.  A reason, fuck you a reason.

Next time something horrible happens to someone you know and you find yourself searching for comforting words and all you can come up with is "well everything happens for a reason" please stop yourself, a simple "I'm so sorry" will do.

Please keep this young family in your thoughts, his widow is asking for prayers for her, prayers that she can raise her boys in a way that would make him proud, so if you can please say a prayer for her.

1 comment:

  1. In my family my sisters and I have a simple saying: "It is what it is." It comes from a lifetime of heartache, and surviving it. It comes from keeping our feet moving in a direction, no matter what hits us. In my family, we have known for a long, long time that nothing happens "for a reason", those are just selfish words that comfort the speaker, not the receiver.

    I am not someone who prays, but I'm sending good thoughts to both of your families. I've been thinking loads about you over this season, as you move, as you continue to walk your path. I have no words of comfort; I have not walked in your shoes.