Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Hardest Choice (part one)

My feet hadn't even hit Massachusetts dirt before I knew what I needed to do, I had to get the hell out of there.  I was tired, I was scared, I was defeated, I was just done. However, having been out of work for the past 4 years taking care of my babies, and my husband, I didn't have the means to take my girls and get out of the situation that was only getting worse by the day.

As our time in Yuma winded down our days got more and more tense.  About a month before we left he said something to me, something that I wont share for both his and my privacy, but it terrified me.  That was the moment I shut everything down.  I slept next to a man I did no know...and to be clear, I slept as close to the edge of the bed as I could get without falling out because the thought of touching him made my skin crawl.  I held out the smallest sliver of hope that things would get better when we got home, I couldn't see how but I really hoped.

The drive home was torture.  It was on that trip that I saw him transform in front of me and, once again, almost put his hands on me.  He made me want to pack up my girls and disappear in the night.  But maybe things could get better, somehow.

When we got home we stayed with his friends and their kids for the month it took us to find a place to live, it wasn't easy but with people around I felt safer, it didn't keep him from threatening me again - making me fear the 50lb advantage he has over me.  During this time I became cold, and I tuned out any thoughts that life could go on for our little family.  My goal had shifted from saving my marriage to my exit plan (find a job, open solo account, start hiding money...GET OUT).  I couldn't do it anymore, my kids deserved a happy mom and a safe home.  To be clear, actually hit me and never threatened our kids.  What he said to me in Arizona was still loud and clear in my head - this person could snap at any time.

When the time to move into our home came around I was so excited to get into my own space, away from the family who was so gracious to keep us for so long.  While I was excited to freely fart in my own home I was terrified.  I didn't let anyone know.  No one knew that I feared for my safety every time I had to disagree with him.  Before I knew it my rings came off while I was cooking and I never cared to put them back on.  He never even commented, or even noticed.  All I heard about was the months that had passed since I had done anything more than sleep next to him in our bed.

I was elbows deep into job listings, hoping that anyone would just give me a chance.  I had a fear of being alone for the rest of my life but having a single mother was better for my girls than not having a mother at all.  I was scared, never know when he was going to let his dark thoughts take him over.

It wasn't all him, I had been distracted with other things as well.  I was making all of these plans for my future without him.  At some moments I was happily distracted even.  I could see a life after marriage.  The thought of myself loving someone else wasn't that strange anymore - I had decided that someday it would really work out for me and the girls.

A few days after Christmas something horribly tragic happened, he lost a very dear, very close friend suddenly and unexpectedly.  As he came out of his shock over the next few weeks something had shifted.

I need to take a break from this, it's getting long and I want to be sure I get this right.  I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one to have gone through this and I want my story to be told the right way if for no one else than that one woman reading this saying "oh my God, me too!".

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