Grandma?

“No, I mean GRANDMA, the one I used to talk to on the phone when we lived in Arizona.”

Heartbreaking to say the least.  I know who she means when she says “Grandma” and not “Grandma Diane” but I try to push her away from the idea of that Grandma. 

It has been 14 months since my mother and I stopped speaking.  In that time she has made one slight attempt to communicate with me – she asked my sisters to post a TBI related article to me on Facebook.  They did and I scolded them both, that woman is not in my life and I don’t need anything from her.  They know not to talk to her about me or my family.  The fact that she thinks she has anything to contribute to us after all of this radio silence infuriates me.

It wasn’t just the falling out after the 2013 Thanksgiving.  That was the final nail in the coffin that contained any normal mother daughter relationship we could have had.  Growing up with an alcoholic mother teaches you many things very early in life.  I learned that I could never count on her.  I learned that no matter what I do I will never win her approval.  I learned that I am worth so much more than she could ever see. 

It still pains me that since that horrible day she hasn’t once tried to mend our relationship.  Not even a card for the girls on their birthdays.  It’s as if we never existed.  I don’t know if I would even consider an apology from her – I think we are well beyond that but knowing that she doesn’t care to try makes me feel like that 5 year old looking out the window for hours willing her car to show up the one day a week we would see her. 

I hate that she still knows about my life.  It’s not fair but since she lives close to my sister and her family (they all live in Kentucky) she can get information from them and view pictures on their facebook pages.  She hasn’t earned any of this.  I know she thinks I am some horrible person but my kids have never done anything to her, it wouldn’t kill her to send them a card at Christmas.  But when TC asks about that grandma I simply remind her that she lives very far away.  For now it’s working but I know that someday I am going to have to sit her down and explain everything to them.  I really hope they see that I am protecting them from the harm of having a force like my mother in their lives and don’t resent me for not encouraging a relationship. 

My mom did teach me the most important lesson of my life: she taught me exactly what kind of mom I wanted to be.  So far it’s working, whatever she did – I am doing the exact opposite.