Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I See You

You may not see me but I see you.  I’m out here rushing around every weekday from 12:30-1:30 trying to get a day’s worth of errands done on my lunch break. 

You may not think I notice you juggling your kids and your coffee as you hurry out of the cold into Target.  You may think I am judging you as you bribe your toddler with pretzels as you try to grab the last of your groceries in peace fully knowing it is well past lunch time.  You may envy my leisurely browsing of the latest markdowns at Marshall's while you are just trying to make it through the store without a time out.  Even if you don’t see me I see you.

I see all the afternoons I had with my kids, running to Target just to get out of the house.  I see all the afternoons I will never get that chance again.  I see my four years as a stay at home mom gone, and you still enjoying yours. 

If you do see me I hope you don’t think I am rude for looking away so quickly, it’s not that I don’t want to make funny faces at your adorable baby it’s that I am desperately longing to make them at mine.  When I see you it reminds me of everything I had, and now it’s gone.  Life didn’t go as planned and here I am fighting back tears typing this at my mind-numbingly boring job.  This is where I sit for 8 hours a day while my husband is home caring for the children.  He gets their best hours of the day and I see them for 3 of their most miserable. 

Damn right I am jealous.  I am jealous of my husband, of the countless women I see, I am jealous of me in the past if that makes any sense.  I know staying at home is not all Target trips and Starbucks, I remember the boredom, the isolation, the frustration but I would take all of that in a heartbeat if I could be the one to put Addie down for a nap or watch TC turn a snowman into an with her magical green crayon. 

I see you, I see your frustration, I see your desperation, I see your playfulness, I see your pride, I sometimes see your jealously.  I see you, I will try not to stare for more than a moment – I have to get back to the office.

1 comment:

  1. I think you capture the conflict of being a mom, working or not, quite perfectly. I believe quite deeply that we are all just trying to do the best job we can with what we are given, with what we know, with what we have. I know you are. I see you.