I've been staying away from this blog semi-intentionally, sure with my crazy work schedule and a family who wants my every free moment it is easy to say those are the reasons but there is a greater reason - there always is. I have felt a bit fraudulent, a bit of an outsider, I feel shame (which I know I shouldn't).
In the grand scheme of things I was the woman who almost gave up on her husband after he was injured fighting a war. I almost walked away, taking my children with me. I almost gave up when he needed me most. I am not forgetting how bad it was, how I felt like crap on a daily basis, the fear I had when his eyes shifted to that man I didn't know. The way he had just given up on me, on the girls, but most of all on himself. But looking around at my life now, the support and love I feel from him on a daily basis, I am so ashamed that I almost gave that up.
Any motivational speaker will tell you, when setting a goal say it out loud and let people know, write it down. This turns and idea into an actual thing, something that can he seen and heard. That day, during the coldest winter I have ever felt on so many levels, he said to me "I am just so sick of being so fucking miserable all the time, I am sick of missing out on life." At that moment, no matter how long he had been thinking it, he said it and it became real. It was a real thing - he WANTED to be better, he knew this was no way for any of us to live. And the saddest part is that he was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself and his black pit of misery that he had no idea I was one foot out the door.
Now we had a thing, we had a desire, we had a jumping off point. I am not going to say life has been roses and daisies since then but it has become happy - something I never thought we would ever be together post injury. He is amazing with the girls, a stay at home dad in all of his glory and they adore him.
I almost robbed them of that, all of them. For what, the idea of a better, happier life? Greener grass somewhere down the road? I am working on getting over these feelings, I know that everything I was feeling was real and justified but after all of that it does feel fraudulent to talk about how I am just so overcome with love for him that I find myself wanted to pull over just to text him and tell him.
So just bare with me, I am learning how to be happy again. It isn't as easy - these past 4 years have really hardened my heart.