Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A New Life Takes Some Getting Used To

I've been staying away from this blog semi-intentionally, sure with my crazy work schedule and a family who wants my every free moment it is easy to say those are the reasons but there is a greater reason - there always is. I have felt a bit fraudulent, a bit of an outsider, I feel shame (which I know I shouldn't). 

In the grand scheme of things I was the woman who almost gave up on her husband after he was injured fighting a war.  I almost walked away, taking my children with me.  I almost gave up when he needed me most.  I am not forgetting how bad it was, how I felt like crap on a daily basis, the fear I had when his eyes shifted to that man I didn't know.  The way he had just given up on me, on the girls, but most of all on himself.  But looking around at my life now, the support and love I feel from him on a daily basis, I am so ashamed that I almost gave that up.

Any motivational speaker will tell you, when setting a goal say it out loud and let people know, write it down.  This turns and idea into an actual thing, something that can he seen and heard.  That day, during the coldest winter I have ever felt on so many levels, he said to me "I am just so sick of being so fucking miserable all the time, I am sick of missing out on life."  At that moment, no matter how long he had been thinking it, he said it and it became real.  It was a real thing - he WANTED to be better, he knew this was no way for any of us to live.  And the saddest part is that he was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself and his black pit of misery that he had no idea I was one foot out the door. 

Now we had a thing, we had a desire, we had a jumping off point.  I am not going to say life has been roses and daisies since then but it has become happy - something I never thought we would ever be together post injury.  He is amazing with the girls, a stay at home dad in all of his glory and they adore him. 

I almost robbed them of that, all of them.  For what, the idea of a better, happier life?  Greener grass somewhere down the road?  I am working on getting over these feelings, I know that everything I was feeling was real and justified but after all of that it does feel fraudulent to talk about how I am just so overcome with love for him that I find myself wanted to pull over just to text him and tell him.

So just bare with me, I am learning how to be happy again.  It isn't as easy - these past 4 years have really hardened my heart.


  1. SO happy to hear things are getting better! You both deserve some happiness:)

  2. Yeah, no one blames you for the way you felt, you had a rough life for a while there and it is hard to see the good in the moment when it seems to have disappeared, but the key is that you did not leave. That in itself is huge!! I am so happy for you, enjoy every moment! :) Kim

  3. Things seemed scary for you for awhile, so don't beat yourself up over thinking about leaving. It took four years of immense patience and tolerating a husband who did not treat you well- whether it was his fault or not how he got there, there is responsibility in not doing anything to get out of it- to get where you are. You are allowed to have planned whatever it took to get you through that. Injury robbed you all of something, and you not wanting to feel so small anymore isn't a trivial you thing. You weren't going to leave over one bad fight, ya know. You have done so much more than you give yourself credit for.
    That said, I am so happy he is choosing a new path and taking an active role in his own recovery and his family's life.
    We, too, are headed closer to family. Having a support system for each of you (and by poxy, for the kids too) makes ALL the difference. Not feeling so alone is massive in being able to envision a better future and just more of the same. Even knowing that you have somewhere else to go when things get rough is relieving. I can not wait to get on with our lives. So, so genuinely happy for you guys.

  4. If he was the way he is right now during that time, then we could blame you - but he wasn't. He wasn't being a husband and you deserved one. The important part is that you didn't leave - when most women would have! You stayed, you weathered the storm and I'm really proud of you for it!
    You're an amazing woman - and incredible mom and a really inspirational wife. I honestly would have been doing the same thing you did in your shoes - in fact, I don't know that I would have had the strength to endure what you did - so do not feel like we're judging you - in fact, we're in awe of you and inspired by you!
    Good for you... and no- it wont always be peaches and roses (or daiseys either) but it should be sometimes! You deserve the daiseys!!
    I'm behind you 100% with whatever life throws at you and wherever God takes you!! I love you and I pray for you still!

  5. You should never feel ashamed of putting your girls first (and your happiness too) but I am so glad that he has made the decision to try to be happier and that things are improving!